The decision to run away from home changed 16-year-old *Cara Helmer's life. But unlike most fleeing teenagers, Helmer's life changed for the better.

Helmer was angry, her mother, *Mary Helmer, says, because she couldn't go on a date with a neighborhood teen who was recently convicted for selling drugs to his classmates. After an argument with her parents, Helmer cut open her bedroom window screen, packed a change of clothes and left. She was later found by a police officer at a local bar and returned to her family.

At the time, nothing about the situation seemed positive.

"It was just clear that we had to get her out of this situation before anything good could happen," Mary Helmer says.

For three months, Helmer's parents sent her to live with out-of-state relatives. While there, she was expected to get a job, pay rent and continue school. "We removed the temptation and changed the situation," Mary Helmer says. "Cara learned to appreciate what she had and learned how hard it was to support herself without Mom and Dad's help."

Today, several years after making the decision to run away, Helmer's life has gone down a different path. She has made a string of good decisions and is now happily married with a newborn of her own.

Not all bad choices made by teens are as dangerous or extreme as Cara's decision to run away, says clinical psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D. Bad choices can also include failing to study for an important test, avoiding help for a hard-to-understand assignment or showing up late for a part-time job.

While it can be hard for parents to understand why their teen makes bad choices, teens have a variety of reasons for their behavior, Cohen-Sandler says. Often, they are motivated by the following:

• Not thinking through a situation and failing to anticipate the consequences of a decision.
• Becoming swept away by competing impulses, either sexual or social.
• Testing their own limits and boundaries.
• Unconsciously trying to affect important people in their lives, like getting parents to pay more attention to them.
• Striving for independence from parents who are too controlling.

For 17-year-old *Susan White, the poor choice was not asking for help with a difficult algebra class. She was having trouble in algebra and knew she needed help but put off getting it, says her mother, *Dana White. As the semester went on, her grade slipped, and she fell further behind. When it was time for the final test, White knew she had to score high or she would fail the course.

"I was going to intervene, force her to seek a tutor, play math how-to tapes while she slept -- anything to help her," says Dana White. "But then I realized, she needed to experience the consequences of her actions."

It was hard to watch her daughter do poorly on the final test and realize she wasn't likely to pass the course. But, she says, her daughter took full responsibility for her actions. "I told her in all sincerity that I was proud of her."

Allowing a teen to feel the full weight of their decisions is a good idea, says Joseph Hertzler, a clinical psychologist specializing in child and adolescent treatment at Prairie View Mental Health Services in Newton, Kan. "It's important for kids to be aware of the consequences of their actions," he says.

However, how you react to their decisions can have a major impact -- positive or negative. Cohen-Sandler, who co-authored I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, cautions parents to weigh the consequences of their own actions when reacting to a bad choice made by their teen.

Cohen-Sandler says parents should be careful not to overreact, get unreasonably angry or hostile. Don't make accusations, he says, about a teen's motivation, such as "You don't care about your future!" or generalizations about a teen's character, such as "You're just like your aunt!" Parents should also avoid dire or exaggerated predictions about the teen's bad choice, like "Now you'll never go to college!" or "Your life is ruined!"

These exaggerated responses deflect a teen's focus from what really matters: a realistic assessment of what they did wrong and how they can improve in the future. It's also important to allow teens to keep a bad choice in the past after it has been resolved.

"We made a conscious effort not to check on Cara constantly and to allow her to make decisions about whom she dated," Mary Helmer says.

As long as the consequence of a bad choice is fair and reasonable, it is better for the parent to allow the teen to experience it instead of rescuing them, Cohen-Sandler says. "It is valuable for teens to feel accountable and learn from their mistakes." Afterward, he says, parents can help teens evaluate why they did what they did and how they can make better choices in the future.

* Names changed to protect privacy.

Want to see more?

• Keeping Tabs On Your Teen
• Preventing Runaways
• When Friends Lead Astray