How To Talk to Your Kids About Anything: 10 Tips
Excerpted from the Talking With
Kids About Tough Issues Web site, a national initiative by Children Now
and the Kaiser Family Foundation.
- Start Early
Kids are hearing about and forced to cope with tough issues at increasingly
early ages, often before they are ready to understand all aspects of these
complicated ideas. Additionally, medical research and public health data
tells us that when young children want information, advice and guidance,
they turn to their parents first. Once they reach the teenage years, they
tend to depend more on friends, the media and other outsiders for their
information. As a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to talk with your
child about these issues first, before anyone else can confuse your child
with incorrect information or explanations that lack the sense of values you
want to instill. We need to take advantage of this "window of opportunity"
with young children and talk with them earlier and more often, particularly
about tough issues like sex, HIV/AIDS, violence, alcohol and drugs.
- Initiate Conversations With Your Kids
While we want our children to feel comfortable enough to come to us with any
questions and concerns -- and thus give us the opportunity to begin
conversations -- this doesn't always occur. That's why it's perfectly
okay --
at times even necessary -- to begin the discussions ourselves. TV and other
media are great tools for this. Say, for instance, that you and your
12 year old are watching TV together and the program's plot includes a
teenage pregnancy. After the show is over, ask your child what she thought
of the program. Did she agree with how the teenagers behaved? Just one or
two questions could help start a valuable discussion that comes from
everyday circumstances and events.
Also, when speaking with your child, be sure to use words she can
understand. Trying to explain AIDS to a 6 year old with words like
"transmission" and "transfusion" may not be as helpful as using simpler
language. The best technique: use simple, short words and straightforward
explanations.
If you have more than one child -- and your kids are widely spaced -- try to
speak with them separately, even about the same subject. The reason?
Children of varied ages are usually at different developmental levels, which
means that they need different information, have different sensitivities and
require a different vocabulary. What's more, older children will often
dominate the discussion, which may prevent the younger ones from speaking
up.
- Even About Sex And Relationships
If you feel uncomfortable talking about such sensitive subjects --
particularly sex and relationships -- with your young child, you're not
alone. Many parents feel awkward and uneasy, especially if they are anxious
about the subject. But, for your kid's sake, try to overcome your
nervousness and bring up the issue with your child. After all, our children
are hearing about it both through the media and on the playground, and that
information may not include the values that we want our kids to have.
- Create An Open Environment
Young children want their parents to discuss difficult subjects with them.
However, our kids will look to us for answers only if they feel we will be
open to their questions. It's up to us to create the kind of atmosphere in
which our children can ask any questions -- on any subject -- freely and
without fear of consequence.
How do you create such an atmosphere? By being encouraging, supportive and
positive. For example, if your child asks, "How many people have AIDS?" try
not to answer with, "I don't know. Please just finish your lunch." No matter
how busy you are respond with something like, "That's an interesting
question, but I'm not sure. Let's go look it up." (FYI: Don't worry that if
your children learn that you don't know everything, they won't look up to
you. That's simply not true. Kids accept, "I don't know," and "Let's go find
out," and they are better responses than any inaccurate or misleading
answers you may be tempted to offer.)
One more point: You don't need to answer all of your children's questions
immediately. If your 10 year old asks, "Mom, what's a condom?" while you're
negotiating a tricky turn in rush-hour traffic, it's perfectly okay for you
to say something like, "That's an important question. But with all this
traffic, I can't explain right now. Let's talk later, after dinner." And
make sure you do.
- Communicate Your Values
As a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to be the first person to talk
with your child about tough issues like drugs and violence before anyone
else can confuse him with "just-the-facts" explanations that lack the sense
of values and moral principles you want to instill. Likewise, when talking
with your child about sex, remember to talk about more than "the birds and
the bees," and communicate your values. Remember: research shows that
children want and need moral guidance from their moms and dads, so don't
hesitate to make your beliefs clear.
- Listen To Your Child
How many times do we listen to our children while folding clothes, preparing
for the next day's meeting, or pushing a shopping cart through the
supermarket? While that's understandable, it's important to find time to
give kids our undivided attention. Listening carefully to our children
builds self-esteem by letting our youngsters know that they're important to
us and can lead to valuable discussions about a wide variety of sensitive
issues.
Listening carefully also helps us better understand what our children really
want to know as well as what they already understand. And it keeps us from
talking above our youngsters' heads and confusing them even further. For
example, suppose your child asks you what crack is. Before you answer, ask
him what he thinks it is. If he says, "I think it's something you eat that
makes you act funny," then you have a sense of his level of understanding
and
can adjust your explanations to fit.
Listening to our children and taking their feelings into account also helps
us understand when they've had enough. Suppose you're answering your
9 year old's questions about AIDS. If, after a while, he says, "I want to go
out and play," stop the talk and re-introduce the subject at another
time.
- Try To Be Honest
Whatever your children's age, they deserve honest answers and explanations.
It's what strengthens our children's ability to trust. Also, when we don't
provide a straightforward answer, kids make up their own fantasy
explanations, which can be more frightening than any real, honest response
we can offer.
While we may not want or need to share all the details of a particular
situation or issue with our child, try not to leave any big gaps either.
When we do, children tend to fill in the blanks themselves, which can
generate a good deal of confusion and concern.
- Be Patient
Often it can feel like forever before a youngster gets his story out. As
adults, we're tempted to finish the child's sentence for him, filling in
words and phrases in an effort to hear the point sooner. Try to resist this
impulse. By listening patiently, we allow our children to think at their own
pace and we are letting them know that they are worthy of our time.
- Use Everyday Opportunities To Talk
It's important to try to talk with your kids about tough issues often, but
there isn't always time in the day to sit down for a long talk. Also, kids
tend to resist formal discussions about today's toughest issues, often
categorizing them as just another lecture from mom and dad. But if we use
"talk opportunities," moments that arise in everyday life, as occasions for
discussion, our children will be a lot less likely to tune us out. For
instance, a newspaper item about a child expelled from school for carrying a
gun to class can help you start a discussion on guns and violence. A public
service TV commercial can give you an opportunity to talk about AIDS.
- Talk About It Again. And Again.
Since most young children can only take in small bits of information at any
one time, they won't learn all they need to know about a particular topic
from a single discussion. That's why it's important to let a little time
pass, then ask the child to tell you what she remembers about your
conversation. This will help you correct any misconceptions and fill in
missing facts.
Finally, in an effort to absorb all they want to know, children often ask
questions again and again over time -- which can test any parent's nerves.
But such repetition is perfectly normal, so be prepared and tolerant. Don't
be afraid to initiate discussions repeatedly, either. Patience and
persistence will serve you and your child well.
This information comes to us from Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, a national initiative from the
Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now.
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