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My stepdaughter who is a teenager is experimenting with alcohol. She is about to turn 18 and go to college next year. Both parents are struggling on how to approach the matter. The do not want to say something that would make alcohol or partying appear to be a good thing they are trying to stop. Any advise. |
Valerie Hernandez
email: vazevedo@westernunited.com
1/4/2007 at 23:32 (CT)
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I have been going through a divorce since 2004 - My daughter lives with me and my youngest son lives with his father. My daughter who is now 18 and a senior in high school has always been a good kid, honor roll student, sweet, respectful and a joy to be around. This past year she has turned into something from Hell She has been hanging around with bad kids, she drinks and does drugs, she will not abide by any household rules that I have, she will not come home at night, she will not tell me where she is, she has kids in my home when I'm not there which Is one of the rules that I have and she knows that they are not allowed. They are drinking, in my bedroom, and I'm sure doing drugs - I get phone calls from the police when I'm not there - She hangs around with one particular girl who has a definite drug and alcohol problem and the more I push for my daughter to stop hanging around her the more she does. The girl will stay at my house even when I tell my daughter that "I DO NOT WANT HER THERE" I find condoms laying around my house, birth control pills, they bring alcohol into the house. I find remnants of marijuana on her bureau. She has caught a STD, she will NOT abide by any rules that I have and I don't know what to do. Last night, she was out with her friend, I asked her to come home and she said "No" I then informed her that her friend was not allowed to stay at my house. She would not accept that as an answer. I told my daughter that I was locking the door - I would open for her - but her friend was not allowed in. She would not accept that as an answer. Instead she sat in back of my house with high beams on the house and loud music until around 3:00 a.m. I don't know what to do. My ex accuses me of being a bad mother, because I lock the door and set rules, I'm sick about all of this, I'm struggling at work, I don't get sleep, My neighbors are frustrated and I don't know what to do. I need advice please!!! |
Lynn
email: Lynn_parisi@tjx.com
12/28/2006 at 23:19 (CT)
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hi to all
Well here's a new question. Our now 16 yr old, son has a girlfriend , who is moving out on her own. She is in the same grade as our son, she has had a lot of issues with her family, But she is a smart girl(???) She has a scholarship to college. (she is same age.) How do we set boundries for our son and how do we go about the fact that she has her own place, and no adults around ? he has a curfew, he has been staying in school since I last wrote, his grades could be bumped up a bit. He also quit his job just before the x-mas rush, he said he didnt want to work over the "busy" season. But that is another issue for later.
Blondie |
Blondie
email: krnwdll@hotmail.com
12/28/2006 at 9:20 (CT)
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How do I handle just finding out that my 14 year old daughter admitted to a friend in an email that she has been cutting? I am scared to death to approach this the wrong way for fear that it may send my once happy go lucky daughter further away from me. Any advise would be beneficial. |
Dawn
email: dmarisca@amfam.com
12/21/2006 at 3:50 (CT)
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Dawn...does your son possibly have a substance abuse problem, or gambling or alcohol?
I ask this, because you would obviously have seen signs of this "life of luxury" had he been using it on these things.
This just seems like path of a drunk, gambler, or druggie.
It's not too late to put him into counseling, and it should never be viewed as you being inadequate as a parent for recommending him to be in it.
There's something more to this story than you know, and until you get to the bottom of it, healing will never begin.
Best of luck. |
Kristi
email:
11/3/2006 at 6:37 (CT)
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Okay, I need some help! My 18 year old this last year has been caught up in alot of lying. We told him to have a full time job be Sept. or he was out. He did get the job. We told him he will save for school....I took care of finances so he did save as well as pay his cell bill and his insurance. I get a phone call from the police dept. last night...he's been stealing from his job for the last 6 weeks. He is spending the night in jail and God knows what else is going to happen now! He really screwed up this time! Where will he work to pay back the store? How will he save for school? Did he finally learn his lesson?? I just don't get it! He has worked and payed his insurace since 16. He ran cross country all through high school and did real well. He sang in choir since 4th grade! He's been such a great kid...real compassionate, big heart, wouldn't hurt a fly,will aspiritions to go to college and make something of himself. What do I do??? Did he finally learn his lesson about lying? Does he know he really screwed up because he has a felony on his record now??? HELP!!!
Dawn |
Dawn
email: notfam@sbcglobal.net
10/26/2006 at 18:03 (CT)
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Irene, PLEASE do not take this the wrong way...but a child learns this behavior is acceptable when they are not corrected at an early age.
Start making a big deal out of the good things he does. Re-enforce your role as his parents.
Make sure you follow through with your consequences, ie: you don't pick up your room, you can't drive tonight, etc.
It is not going to be easy to correct him, but if he doesn't learn it now, he never will...best of luck to you. |
Kristi
email:
10/2/2006 at 12:53 (CT)
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hi, I need some advice. I have a disrespectful 16 year old boy. He has become so nasty and always looks like he is full of hostility. If he doesn't get what he wants or get to do what he wants, he strarts cursing and bad mouthing by husband and I. Moments like that I seriously feel like I could completely lose my temper. I am afraid that one day my husband is going to lose it and they will come to blows. He talks down to us and causes chaos in our home. I don't know how to handle him any more. Please help.. Irene |
Irene
email: ani4310@optonline.net
10/1/2006 at 5:27 (CT)
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Kathy,
It sounds like your son knows exactly what to do to discredit you, and make you feel inferior.
Kids are good at learning which buttons to push and which to not push.
What your son needs is to see the mom in you, not his buddy.
A lot of parenting mistakes happen when parents want to be the kid's friend, and not their parent.
Kids want structure. They want to be told "NO" and have boundaries.
They'd never say it, but they do...otherwise, they wouldn't ask "what's for dinner tonight?" or "when can we go to the park?"...they'd just do it.
It's time to draw the line. See how big he feels if you close the door on him. |
Kristi
email:
9/25/2006 at 1:01 (CT)
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Donna, about all you can do is set your foot down.
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words, and seeing these actions, instead of threatening consequences are about the only way someone can learn that you mean what you mean.
If she continues the behavior...scare her...change your locks and have her stuff on the porch, during the week.
Sometimes kids just need that nudge they can only get from mom and dad. |
Kristi
email:
9/25/2006 at 0:53 (CT)
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To the Mom who read her daughter's journal.
I seriously doubt this journal was just lying in the car with the type of information that was in it...and it was probably quite obvious it was a journal.
If your daughter is having phone sex and describing it in detail, my gut says she's already having sex...so you need to, even though she is already an adult, just re-affirm the dangers of sleeping around.
I would never tell her you read her journal, if I were you. Whether it really was an accident or not, she will never believe that it wasn't...and I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I'm not so sure I believe it, either.
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Kristi
email: stormwarnfm@yahoo.com
9/20/2006 at 10:33 (CT)
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Ilsa...
While he lives in your house, he lives under your rules.
If he does not like those rules, then perhaps it's time for him to consider becoming an adult...which is what he *should* have done before starting to have sex.
Feel free to show him this. |
Kristi
email: stormwarnfm@yahoo.com
9/20/2006 at 10:27 (CT)
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I say absolutely punish her!!!
It's not enough the fact that it's a hickey, but at SCHOOL?!?
If "the other parent" as you refer says no...well, they can just say no.
Take the angle, which was my 2nd thought next to that it happened IN SCHOOL, is that what is she doing in school, and how is this able to happen.
She's not focusing on school work, obviously...so, if they feel the hickie issue is moot, the fact that her school work is being neglected is not. |
Kristi
email: stormwarnfm@yahoo.com
9/20/2006 at 10:24 (CT)
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Ok mom's experienced with teens, My daughter is 14 years old, just had her first week of high school and came home from SCHOOL with a hickie on her neck. I could not believe it!! I wanted to "kill" her. What should I do, I talk to her about almost everything including sex, and I thought she was smarter than that. HOw did any of you handle it? Should I punish her? I say yes, but the "other parent" says no. |
Angi
email: ajzig@comcast.net
9/9/2006 at 12:20 (CT)
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Hi Ladies!
It's been a long time since I last posted, but the time has come for me to give you another heads up. The Moms Talk (Hopeful Moms Talk in this case) boards will be migrating to the vBulletin system that already exists for the rest of the community. This format is going to be retired.
I know that on one hand, it might not be a welcomed change, but on the other hand, it will provide you with additional security (ability to form private groups) and a resolution to current glitches (No more 40 character rule, and you will be able to post urls without spaces). You will also be integrated into the message board community and more able to participate in upcoming contests and programs aimed at increasing camaraderie and excitement throughout the message boards.
I don't have an actual date for the final migration. I do know that these posts here will not be deleted. If at all possible, they will migrate to the new board in their current state. At the very least, they will be archived and will be searchable. You can visit the new board and start posting at anytime:
http://interact. iparenting. com/boards/forumdisplay. php?f=6683 (There are no spaces in this url, but in order to post this, I had to add a space after each period. Please remove the spaces before you attempt to use the url.)
If you need any assistance at all, please email me.
Shel, iP Senior Editor |
Shel
email: shel@iparenting.com
8/28/2006 at 3:05 (CT)
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To Ocean Blue
Just curious are you a Mother? If so how many adolescents or teens are you Mom to?
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J. Dean
email: mfonder@yahoo.com
8/22/2006 at 1:23 (CT)
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email: gert@gmail.com
8/18/2006 at 6:54 (CT)
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I have a 19 , 18, and 13 yr old girls and a 10 yr old boy. My problem is basically with my 18 yr old dgtr. She feels that since she graduated from high school she can come and go as she pleases. She stays at her boyfriend's house when his grandparents are away and goes with him on weekends down to the shore. I have tried to explain to her that this is unexceptable behavior and that if she is to live under this roof that there are giudelines and rules that need to be followed. SHe just doesn't get it!!!!! I have grounded here, that didn't last. I even told her that if she thinks she can take care of herself well then she needs to pack up her stuff and go. She goes and then calls asking to come home. And of course she does this over a weekend when she has a place to go to. She is disrepectful to both my husband and I. Like right now she hasn't been home for a week because his grandparents are away. I have a explained to her that it is not right for her to be there when they are not home and she knows it. She even told me that they don't want her there since they will be away. I can't tie her to a chair to keep her here. |
Donna
email: paavonlady63@yahoo.com
8/17/2006 at 20:22 (CT)
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Ilsa
If your son wants to have sex, then hes going to have sex. Him having sex at your house is YOUR choice, him having sex is not.
If him having sex while your home makes you uncomfortable, tell him so, he, at the very least should respect that. If the issue is him wanting to have sex in your house while your out, then thats different.
The fact is, the safest place for your son to have sex is at home, as uncomfortable as that is. Chances are the only reason he goes over there is because her parints are never home and they can have sex there, it has nothing to do with his feelings tworeds you.
i would say allow him to have sex in your home. While your not there grantit. With this new freedom you give him it will help him in the real world with new relatioships and it will give you the perfect oppertunities to talk to him about safe sex and all that. It will give you a better chance to talk to your son and learn more about his sex life and then you no longer have to sit around and worry. |
OceanBlue
email: Coral_ocean_blue@yahoo.com
8/15/2006 at 4:04 (CT)
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I have an 18yr old son who feels that he should be able to sleep w/his 17yr old girlfriend in his room/bed. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable and she is welcome to stay anytime..but on the couch. He now stays at her house! Any ideas? |
ilsa
email:
8/15/2006 at 23:17 (CT)
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Debbie
I admit, your sons a fool for doing what he's doing, and at some point the consequences are going to catch up with him. I want to tell you to let him take the punishment, but it dosnt sound that thats going to make any difference at all, try talking to him, not about the ramafacation of his actions, but about what they make him.
Tell him how he refusis to grow up, call him a child with child like whims, that its time for him to grow up and be a man for once in his life. that he cant act like a little 12 year old forever. If you continue to point out the fact that he's acting like a child, maybe he will deside to grow up. And if that dosnt work, you can threton to call the cops, you dont have to DO it, but you can use it. |
OceanBlue
email: coral_ocean_blue@yahoo.com
8/10/2006 at 3:32 (CT)
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to staci
At this point in time nothing your doing is going to help him at all. I would like to remind you that you can never pull away all his communication from him unless you choose to enlist him in home schooling. Chances are at this point in time he is still doing most of the things he was doing before, only now I would guess that he hates you. You cant stop the fact that he had sex, and is going to continue to have sex throughout his high school carrier, that is inevitable, I suggest you buy him some condoms and except it.
“We had a long talk about it and thought ‘we’ were headed down the wrong path”? How much of that conversation was actually a ‘we’ conversation. Sounds more like a ‘you’ conversation and a ‘you’ solution. Because I know for a fact that your kid didn’t hand you his phone and internet and say ‘its all for the best’ I bet you went into his room, took all his stuff and said ‘its all for the best’. Didn’t you? That’s not going to work.
All of what your doing is just pushing your son away from you. You take my phone; I’m going to be angry with you. You take my Internet; I’m going to hate you. You don’t let me see my friends, the people who except and love me for who I am, and I’m going to hate you forever. That’s what your doing.
Chances are your kids going to smoke pot, no matter what you do, all kids these days are. The best thing you can do is except that too, tell him you’ll always love him no matter what. Let him smoke pot at home, then you will always know where he is, and it opens up opportunities to talk about it in a mature and EQUAL!!! Way. Don’t treat him like a kid, talk to him as though he was an adult, don’t belittle him.
If you have any more questions, E-mail me.
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Oceanblue
email: coral_ocean_blue@yahoo.com
8/10/2006 at 3:21 (CT)
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To the mother who read her 18 year old daughters journal.
First of all, I think that what you did was VERY wrong. There is no way that you thought her journal was a book, you had to notice that it was her handwriting! Shame on you :(
Second, you are asking for help, and advice. My advice to you would be to let this young woman run her own life. She is an adult, and not even you, as her mother, have the right to invade her privacy, or dictate her life. Who are you to say that you KNOW she is not "ready" for sex? That is her choice, not yours. Give her advice, lover her, and support HER choices, don't cause her grief, or guilt by trying to force her to live by your standards. She is an individual, and should be teated with respect. I am sure that you mean well, and that you love her very much, but you will turn her against you if you try to control every aspect of her life. Sex is a natural and beautiful part of life, and while I do not want to see any "child" out there having sex , your girl is not a child anymore, and her sexuality is a perfectly normal, healthy part of life. Please just remember, what is right for you, may not be right for her....don't hinder her individuality. Have you talked to her about sex? Have you talked about safe sex and how important it is to protect yourself? If not, then it may be a good time to start. Keep open communications with her, don't judge or condem her, and have a little faith in her. I hope that things work out for you and that you can get a grip on your emotions. She's a grown woman, let her live her life. |
Candy
email: moonspryte@gmail.com
8/9/2006 at 11:40 (CT)
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I just wanted to share some news! My 16 year old daughter, Laura, got her very first job today and I am just SO proud of her! She recently got her drivers license as well, and I just paid for her class ring today and we should have it early next week. She is just starting her junior year of high school, but we wanted to get it early, you know how fast time goes! This has been an amazing time for me, watching her turn into a young woman, seemingly over night. I've been very emotional the past few weeks, watching her grow towards adulthood and accomplish more and more along the way.
Anyway, I just wanted to share my feelings and the good news! Thanks everyone for being here :) |
Candy
email: moonspryte@gmail.com
8/9/2006 at 11:21 (CT)
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To Debbie.
Sometimes it seems no matter what you do our teen boys don't listen. They get to the point where they believe they truely know it all. But as soon as they get into severe trouble they expect us as parents to bail them out, send them money and make things better until next time. As you"ve read below my son listened to nothing we offered. The girl in Wisconsin cried on his shoulder and begged him every night for them to be together and thats just what he did. When he took off he had it all planned out and even had purchased a plane ticket, as a minor mind you, and flew from L.A. to Wis alone to be with this girl. Never once telling us what he had schemed to do with her complete knowledge of it all. He was gone for days and the girl nor her parents callled us and still haven't. He turned 18 at their house. Great huh? On top of that he is in their home with the girl and her parents. What parents make this okay especially when knowing the boys parents disapprove? The girls father does everything the girl and mother tell him to. Our son hasn't even graduated high school yet and I get so angry I can't even begin to tell you what goes through my mind. We pray and hope he will wake up soon and after living in Calif his whole life and now he is residing in a 206 population in a blink and you miss it town in Wisconsin he'll get bored or come to his senses. Love or should I say LUST makes people stupid. It's the stupid part that scares me as a mother the most. I teter back and forth and have good and bad days. Most days I tell myself that its his learning lesson and other days I want to go to Wis and snatch people baldheaded. and then everyone would be reading about me on the news. The girls parents ignored, violated and denied our rights as parents. If ths mother of the girl in your instance does the same and is in the same city, put your foot down and ask her if she is capable and willing of taking care of babies 24/7. Facts are facts and as in our instance the mother is living vicariously through her daughter. The mother thinks its cute and romantic and sweet. When we called the police and since he was a boy all the male policeman we spoke with acted like it was his right of passage. Like he was Johhny Appleseed doing his duty. Made me sick. But on the other hand if he was a girl lured across state line thats a different story. The girl in our instance is still a minor also and may I add her younger brother is in the house also. What father allows a boy in his house to live under his roof to service his daughter. You know what teenage boys think of 23 hours out of 24 hours a day! Feel free to email me at my email address. I have gotten stronger as the days go by. I'm working on 3 months now since my son has been gone and I haven't seen his face. Teenage girls, 16 year olds, get bored with boys even older boys and most are very picky so lets hope the girls in our instance are smarter than we give them credit for and tell the boys to get lost. I remember being very picky and all the young girls I've spoken to have told me they like having a boyfriend just to be able to say they have one but when it really comes down to it they aren"t on the same page as the boys hardly ever.
Stay strong and email me if you desire.
J.D. |
J.D.
email: mfonder@yahoo.com
8/7/2006 at 21:04 (CT)
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I totally agree with something that the woman said about the a boys brain not being fully developed until 24. Alot of boys are wise beyond their years and of course some are not. My 20 year old is not. He is my oldest and the most frustrating. He got himself in trouble with the law hanging around and doing other things with 15 year old girls. But he does not get the severity of the whole thing. He could go to jail for quit a few years. He has a girl friend who is 16 and still against the law. He has been with her for 1 year. His attorney told him to get away from her. But her mother says that he can be at their house when she's home. I said no. It's not a good idea to be seen with her at all. Her mother is so non shalant about the whole thing. It is very frustrating. My son is not a leader but a follower. He tends to go with what others say rather than what is the right choice in his mind. He is on his own and he know his father and I are the only ones that are really helping him through this. But he will not take our advice and stay away from her. I'm thinking that I should back off and let him take his punishement. It' hard because I want to take him under my wing and protect him. But he did the wrong and has to pay the price even though my husband and I warned him over and over again to stay away from the younger crowd. What to do? Any advice? Debbie |
Debbie
email: octolady62@sbcglobal.net
8/7/2006 at 0:01 (CT)
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I have an 18 yr old daughter...she is recently graduated from high school and recieved a full scholarship to College. She's a very smart girl and has wanted nothing but to finish high school and go to College.
Then, this summer she went to work at the local Wal-mart store and met a guy that works there and started dating him for the past month...he is 24 yrs old, and she has been acting like she is holding the world by the tail..so to speak....We have done alot of fighting and arguing the past week, and its over her wanting to be an adult...but she is still acting like a 2 yr. old, and her wanting her way...so she can stay out late and do what she wants when she wants. Well she gets most everything in the world that her dad and I can afford for her and her brothers. We are Christian people and she knows what our rules are in the house, but she tends to break them often.
Well, to make a long story short or as short as i can... I accidently found a Jernal that she had in her car when I needed the car to go out town...needless to say it looked just like a book so I picked it up and started reading. I couldn't help to reading it, I felt guilty after I reallized it was her Jernal, but may the Lord forgive me. I'm not the type of parent that sticks there nose into their childs business, unless its for their safty.
Well, after reading the last entry I was so scared and upset. My daughter stated that she had had phone sex with her boyfriend, and she did go into detail of what she did and what he did. I have never been so upset in my life to have read this. So, my question is..or questions are...Should I worry that she is wanting to have sex with this guy? What can I do? What can I say? I need advice in the worst way. I know she isn't ready for this, the relation ship with this guy is going way to fast. Please I need advice! asap! |
MOM
email: lc_wilson123@yahoo.com
8/2/2006 at 11:38 (CT)
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I have 2 kids -- a teen and a 'tween' and after reading some of these posts, it seems impossible to stay informed and connected to their world. There is so much going on and it is scary. I try to find as much information as I can on parenting teens and I have found a great resource. Connect With Kids (ww.connectwithkids.com) is a company that produces videos which
deal with so many issues that teens face. Drug and alcohol use, early dating and sex, steriod use, disrespect, internet safety, eating disorders... and many others. The videos are great to watch with your kids-- the stories are told by real kids who have experienced these issues. It is a great way to get a conversation started and works much better than lectures! |
Sarah
email: ssullivan@cwknetwork.com
7/25/2006 at 22:42 (CT)
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OceanBlue
Feel free to jump in at anytme. This is called "Moms Talk" but if you are not a Mom or of the femaie gender and you have all the answers your imput will be noted. To clarify a missnomer, mothers are instinctly born aware of what to do until confusion & conflicts enter a family through random influences. Random Influences come in many varieties and enters a Mother's life or home by the way of teenage hormones, teenage testosterone, teenage peer pressure, teenage habitual vices or simply teen or adolescent ego or attitude. If you are free of all of the above and can honestly contribute jump in immediately. |
J.Dean
email: mfonder@yahoo.com
7/23/2006 at 18:47 (CT)
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You all keep asking questions to other mothers, and hardly any of you seem to know what your doing at all. E-mail me, I have all the answers. |
OceanBlue
email: Coral_ocean_blue@yahoo.com
7/21/2006 at 0:17 (CT)
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I have an 18-year old son that I'm sure has ADD and I believe smokes pot on a regular basis. Medication will not be prescribed by the therapist we went to see because the symptoms of both are similar. He's scheduled to begin college this year and unless his ADD is addressed I'm sure he will not succeed. |
Loretta
email: ricks0824@verizon.net
7/3/2006 at 3:48 (CT)
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I have a 15 year old son that told me he had smoked pot, cigarettes, and had sex at 12. We talked long and hard about all of it and thought we were heading down a better path. I have now caught him hanging out with the boy that he smoked pot with at 12, found cigarettes under his bed, and he came home with a hickie on his neck. I have pulled him from this friend, drug tested him (which came out negitive for everything) pulled all communitcation phone, internet, ect. but I just don't feel this is going to help. Any advice? |
staci
email: melackey2@aol.com
6/26/2006 at 6:28 (CT)
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I have an 18 yr old son, whom just graduated from high school. He is very nice looking, and girls throw their selves at him. He has had sex with many, I did not raise him to be this way, when i bring it up about aids and other diseases, he makes a joke of it. He thinks life is one big party, I have caught him with weed and i think he has an alcohol problem. He is an awsome athlete and is going to attend a junior college by home and live at home. I am just sick of his wild ways, how do i get through to him, when i try to discuss his life style he just makes a big joke out of it and asks if I am on my period. I am just so tired I have done everthing for this boy I just dont know what else to do, He could go somewhere if he would get serious, i think he thinks life is a big party. I know he needs tough love , please help me, Im not good at the tough love thing I need some good advice |
Kathy
email: tatums-4@hotmail.com
6/25/2006 at 2:14 (CT)
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My husband's 14 yr old son is coming to live with us and we have no clue on what type of curfews to set for him. We have a 22 mo old and figured it would be a long time before we had to worry about anything having to do with teenagers. His mother doesn't set any rules or curfews for him and he stays out at all hours whether its a school night or not. When he gets here we will be setting ground rules and setting curfew times but we aren't sure what times are good times for school nights and weekends. Any advice or examples would be great! Thanks.. |
Lisa
email: lajamesfl@yahoo.com
6/22/2006 at 8:48 (CT)
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My son is 13 years old. He is a great kid, does well in school, athletic etc. Recently, I have learned by snooping, that he is telling kids he doesn't know well, that he is doing hard core drugs. I have drug tested him and I am confindent that he is not and has not ever done the things he says he has. I'm concerned about these lies and don't know how to confront him about this. I know that kids lie.......but these lies seem very destructive |
shell
email: sbibee@cox.net
6/22/2006 at 6:54 (CT)
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To: Cynthia:
I just know that when a child gets that angry to the point of destruction, there is a big reason behind it. Does he talk about things that frustrate him. Things to think about is whether you give in to him when he's angry. Then he will continue to repeat this behavior to get his way. Also, do not try to reason with him when he's yelling and angry, there is no reasoning when he's like that. It is so important that your husband and you try to find a middle ground in dealing with your son or he will manipulate one to get what he wants. I have a daughter who can get very disrespectful and has been destructive before, but I walk away from her or say that when she is calmer we will discuss it. It's very hard, but over time it is very effective. After all, he's trying to get a reaction out of you, but if there's noone in the room, he can't. It's not an overnight cure believe me, it takes time of consistently trying this. I also have my daughter go to a counselor who helps her try to make better choices in resolving conflict with others and us. Also, never let guilt drive how you deal with your son. We all love our kids, but you can't let them get away with destructive behaviors. Our job is to help them make good choices or get help to do that.
And, remember our kids watch everything we do. If they see we lose our cool (which is pretty common for most of us) and get disrespectful ourselves then they just do the same thing.
Hope this helps a little. |
CS101
email: clswrapper@yahoo.com
6/20/2006 at 0:11 (CT)
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To: Cynthia:
I just know that when a child gets that angry to the point of destruction, there is a big reason behind it. Does he talk about things that frustrate him. Things to think about is whether you give in to him when he's angry. Then he will continue to repeat this behavior to get his way. Also, do not try to reason with him when he's yelling and angry, there is no reasoning when he's like that. It is so important that your husband and you try to find a middle ground in dealing with your son or he will manipulate one to get what he wants. I have a daughter who can get very disrespectful and has been destructive before, but I walk away from her or say that when she is calmer we will discuss it. It's very hard, but over time it is very effective. After all, he's trying to get a reaction out of you, but if there's noone in the room, he can't. It's not an overnight cure believe me, it takes time of consistently trying this. I also have my daughter go to a counselor who helps her try to make better choices in resolving conflict with others and us. Also, never let guilt drive how you deal with your son. We all love our kids, but you can't let them get away with destructive behaviors. Our job is to help them make good choices or get help to do that.
And, remember our kids watch everything we do. If they see we lose our cool (which is pretty common for most of us) and get disrespectful ourselves then they just do the same thing.
Hope this helps a little. |
CS101
email: clswrapper@yahoo.com
6/20/2006 at 0:11 (CT)
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I have a 14 year old son who is becoming progressively rude , disrepectful to both his father and myself. He also gets very angry when he does not get his way to the point of being distructive. I find myself trying to reason with him but when that doesnt work , I become ugly and disrespectful back. This is not how i want to handle him. who can help me defuse this aweful siduation. I feel so sad and sick about this. i love him so so much ....what have i done so wrong? my husband and i dont always agree on this . cynthia
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cynthia
email: cynstar5@bellsouth.net
6/11/2006 at 2:41 (CT)
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To Maria
Concerning your daughter wanting to take diet pills at 14 years old, I'd suggest no. When I was 13 years old I wanted to diet and lost 60 lbs in 3 months over the summer vacation and never took diet pills. Most over the counter diet aides have lots of caffeine and a common hunger suppresant called phenopropom??? and together they can make you antsy, irritable and speed up your heart beat. Prescriptions diet aides can even be more harsh. That's the reason I would suggest no diet pills for when I researched them even at 13 it seemed risky even just for a 5-10 lb loss plus they can be very addictive. You may wish to research Hoodia which is a natural herb and also adding more protein to a diet decreases hunger and encourages weight loss. Just dropping diet sodas that are filled with sodium or sodas period and substituting with green tea can help in dropping 10 lbs in 6 weeks. Also eating protein every 3-4 hours instead of every 8-10 hours etc...speeds up metabolisms.
Hope that helps! Take care!
J.D. |
J.D.
email: mfonder@yahoo.com
5/30/2006 at 1:07 (CT)
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hi my daughter is 14 years old. she wants to take diet pills to lose weight. should i let her? |
maria
email: macybrooks86@yahoo.com
5/28/2006 at 6:23 (CT)
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In May 2005 I learned that a girl and her mother were talking to my then 16 year old son over the internet and by phone. Even though I had always told him never to give out personal information, phone numbers etc.. he did so anyway. One night while he and I were shopping the girl kept calling him over and over crying saying she was upset and breaking up with her then internet boyfriend in Texas. Within the week my son tells me she is now his girlfriend. I informed him he could not have an internet girlfriend and I informed her also when she started calling me. Next thing I know the mother asks my son to get on a grey hound bus and travel over 5200 miles alone, there and back, so her daughter would have a prom date. When I said "NO" all hell broke loose in my house. Soon after the mother and girl started sending gifts and clothes to my son never once asking our permission or approval. Then my son gives me all his clothes we brought him to throw out. The girl instantly started telling my son she loved him and low and behold my son tells me they are coming here on vacation and he wants me to drop him off at the hotel they are staying at. You can guess what I said! NO! Ten days I took off work to chaperone and I informed the parents they could not be unchaperoned whatsoever. On the 6th day I had to do half a days work and they promised everyone would be at the pool. I get there to find that they left them in the hotel room all afternoon alone. i was livid. Everyone acted like I was the crazy one They also laughed at my automatic door locks in my SUV and also laughed at me for reminding them to lock their hotel door and patio door. They informed me they never lock their doors not even while on vacation or when they sleep. By the way we live in L.A. and we always lock our doors. The mother said my son would enjoy school in Wis and I replied "Since when?.". She told me "Well when he turns 18 he can do whatever he likes". In the past year I've been living a nightmare. My once sweet , compassionate, caring son has become a stranger in our house calling me everything in the book including a "loser" and ignores us like a disease. When he continued to be rude and disrepectful and say he was dropping out of school and getting emancipated to be with her we took his cell phone away but he just went out and got his own pre-paid cell phone. We took his lap top away and he called the police on us when he thought he should have gotten it back sooner. He lied and told them we were abusing him and they showed up at our door and next Child Protective Services not once but twice. His lies and manipulation has been too much. He knows he did wrong and when the police questioned him he said he didn't make the call but he did. He told the case worker at CPS the same. The case worker told me that it was all my fault. It took everything in me to not snatch her baldheaded. She said I sheltered him and I asked her where in the world did she assume that? We know he regrets what he has done but he is yet to say he is sorry or appologize. We asked the girl and mother to leave him alone and even today they just ignore us. Our son stated the mother says she raises her daughter how she likes and she can do whatever she wants. Everyone always worries about girls being lured over the internet but boys can be lured too. They can be brainwashed and manipulated to believe they've got it bad when they haven't. Not everyone needs a snowmobile or lives on a farm with acres of land near a lake. Get my drift? Kids can make other kids feel like they have missed out when actually they have been priviliged. Our son has never had a want or need for anything not even the next XBox game etc... Boys also can be lured especially when the girl is offering sex and sending suggestive cards with empty beds to your son saying "Can't wait til you are here". Girls can be just as much the problem over the internet as boys especially when the mother thinks its cute and sweet and helps the daughter live out the fantasy of finally getting a boyfriend. Peer pressure makes girls seek out boyfriends over the internet and some seek them just to be able to say to their friends that they have one. The thought of having a boyfriend is one thing but in reality destroying & tearing up families and luring is another. Kids are using the internet as an escape when they feel lonely and making friends with people that they have no clue who they are. The girl came into my sons life and didn't have a clue who he was and we visa versa. They could be serial killers or a cult or who knows. We never thought with how we lock our doors and have always kept our son safe that people would come into our home thru the internet and manipulate his thinking. This has been a battle that feels like a death. I lost my mother last year and dealing with her death and this has almost taken me. My son is now in counseling which at first he screamed at me for he thought it was punishment. We watched a T.V. show one night on NBC that stated that boys until they are 24 cannot make smart and appropriate, correct decisions due to their brains frontal lobe still in development. If that is so why is 18 considered an adult and not 24? Many of our wonderful boys would still be alive and with us if more people thought of and were aware of that info. They are sent out into the world at 18 and their brain still has six more years of decision developing. We don't get it!
Frustrated and at a loss!!! |
J.D.
email: mfonder@yahoo.com
5/18/2006 at 19:48 (CT)
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To Marion,as far as the curfew goes,I'd say 9pm on weeknights and 11pm on week-ends.The love things quite a bit tougher.I remember those days,I was in the same situation! Nobody could tell me anything! I had to learn the hard way that teen love is more lust rather than love and that in most cases,teen(love) usually doesn't last ,and heartbreak is unbearable at that age.Please keep trying to change your daughters mind about being (in love). My broken heart took a long time to mend and I was devastated when it all ended.I realize now I didn't need teen (love) in my life and would have been better off without it.On the other hand though,I have to say my aunt and uncle met in highschool and they are married and have 2 children but that type of situation is extremely rare and happens for very,very few.The majority end up with a broken heart that isn't worth it. |
Lisa
email: dazed91@sbcglobal.net
5/10/2006 at 2:10 (CT)
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To Teresa,I really feel for your situation.Maybe you can bargain with your son and say ,"if you quit,I will quit".This could actually work if he is a good kid otherwise.Maybe he is bothered by your smoking and figures if you can ,so can he,if you do it,it can't be too bad.If you really care about him quitting,try this approach,it just may work ,but remember you must fulfill your end of the bargain as well! Another thing you may want to do is stop him from hanging out with other kids who are smoking because obviously they are bad influences. |
Lisa
email: dazed91@sbcglobal.net
5/10/2006 at 1:54 (CT)
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To blondie,I think you should just tell your son how important an education is especially if he wants to get a decent job someday.I didn't take highschool very serious myself and dropped out at the start of my senior year,that was almost 19 years ago and looking back on it now,I regret my decision greatly and wish I could go back and change things.....but I can't.Please continue talking with your son and try to get him to see that school is extremely important! Good-luck! |
Lisa
email: dazed91@sbcglobal.net
5/10/2006 at 1:44 (CT)
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How do we help out (my stepson) understand that HE needs to attend and finish Highschool. He has been skipping classes . He is a pretty good kid. And if we take away his privaledges, he still skips... He shrugs his shoulders and says he doesnt care.???? Any suggestions? |
blondie
email: krnwdll@hotmail.com
4/29/2006 at 4:44 (CT)
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My son is getting ready to turn 15 and his father and I think he is smoking.
A few weeks ago the neighborhood boys parents got caught and told my ex that our son was also smoking. He was grounded and We had a long talk about it and I thought everything was ok. Well this weekend my ex informed me I needed to talk to our son again cause he was still smoking. I asked if he had caught him red handed and he said not actually smoking but found a pack of cigs in his backpack and he had noticed the layers of clothes he was wearing, heavy coats in 80 degree temparatures,etc. I had this funny feeling last weekend that our son may be smoking and it bothered me and I finally asked him and he said no he wasn't so I let it go again.
I am really hurt because he may have lied to me and I thought we were close and he just wouldn't do that. I
am a smoker and I started smoking when I was 14 years old and have smoke off and on for 33 years. I know there is not for sure way to stop him from smoking but I want to be objective that he's not going to keep this terrible habit.
Have any of you got an suggestions for me. |
Teresa
email: Tatephens@treb.com
4/24/2006 at 1:15 (CT)
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Any advise about curfews for 16 year olds?
also, how to deal with 16 year old who thinks she's in love? |
marion
email: mfine@mail.nasbboces.org
4/17/2006 at 23:45 (CT)
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I have 15, almost 16 -year old girl, and she is everything to me.We have great relationship, like friends, and we are never have any problems.She is in the freshman year and doing good in school, playing soccer etc. Now she has a boyfriend (17yr.) and i'm afraid that he can hurt her in any way.Still she is talking with me about many things,and she's matture for her age.Her father does not know many things about her and I dont know if I'm making mistake hiding those things from him.He is more strict than me. I'm just trying to make a balance, and everybody happy.What do You think? Do I making mistake to let her dating, and keeping all secrets from my husband? |
Ema
email: bunnyziher@yahoo.com
4/11/2006 at 20:56 (CT)
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sorry about the misspellings. I usually type well butI was a little emotional when I wrote my post. Clarification: My stepkids mother has been deemed unfit. There was a lot of neglect and abuse.
I thank God for the fact that I am a woman and that there are boards like this. God gave us the gift of gab for a reason. So that we could talk our kids and husbands to death and be able to express our concerns and fears. And just maybe help eachother cope through life. |
chancy
email: chancygirl@gmail.com
4/8/2006 at 20:01 (CT)
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Vicky I can totally identify with what you are going through. I hasve taken on the role of stemom to two teens. A 14 yr old boy and a 13 year old boy. My fiance and I talked about how hare the first year would be. Boy we had no idea. The girl was hell on wheels. Her grades were horrible. She had been living with here mother who has been deemed fit. Well I worked with her and pulled lots of hair out and she is not on track. Her grades are up and she is a totally different kid. But I now have a new problem with my 14 yr old step son. We has just got suspended for having pot at school. He is a strait A student . One of those kids who never has to study. He has become defiant and we have found that not only does he smoke pot but he has been dealing it. I immediately put him into drug couseling. I am soooo disappointed in him. We thought we had an open communcations household. We talk about everything from sex to drugs with our kids. But it did not stop this. Peer influence seem to have moe power that we do. We have separated him from the so called friends that he hung with and since it is spring break he will be leaving town with his father. I tried to warn my fiance that there were signs with his son. But he did not want to believe it. I let him do things his way and now we are doing things the hard way. I know that this will only get worse before it gets better. So I am taking it day by day. |
Chancy
email: chancygirl@gmail.com
4/8/2006 at 3:11 (CT)
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My daughter is 16 and has no close friends. She had 2 for awhile that were twins, until her cousin (17 year old girl) started hanging with them and eventually they dropped my daughter. I know this all sounds like normal kid stuff, but she truly doesn't have anyone besides her family(not her cousin). I am worried about her because I think you need at least 1 close girlfriend in our life. She doesn't talk on the phone or chit chat with anyone. She is very sweet and a beautiful singer and wants to pursue classical music and she sings everywhere in public. She is well know around here and is admired by many adults and her peers at school....just no close friends. Should I be concerned or count on her finding a close friend when she goes to college, as she is very mature for her age?? |
Kay
email: kdka@peoplepc.com
4/3/2006 at 3:30 (CT)
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Hi. After reading some of the messages here and listening to other friends, there is something very unusual that happens when our beautiful bouncing babies become teenagers. What is this change that takes place? My darling first-born daughter turned 14 this month. She moved out from my home and into her dad's home last summer and then from dad's to her paternal grandparents' home early this year. I was deeply hurt. She said the reason she wanted to move in with her dad is so she could spend time with her two half-sisters (ages 3 & 2). When she moved in with her grandparents, I think that she was persuaded to go there by a fals promise that the baby sisters would also be going, however, dad's new wife would not hear of it. So, my first-born is living with grandparents and absolutely will not talk to me about why she won't come back to live with me. She will talk about her new life, her school, her friends, how her bedroom is decorated, but dare I ask one question about why she won't come back home, no way! If I do, she simply closes her mouth and refuses to say one more word on the telephone. It's rather frustrating and I turn it over to God... mostly... I'm in the process of learning to let it go completely because I do not like the hurt I feel when I hang on to any of this. I just wonder if there are any other parents out there in a similar situation and if anyone at all has found a solution, please tell me what to do! I tell my daughter I love her no matter where she lives. I still have my moments when I get upset, but I'm getting better. I am learning to let more of this go to God and I'm hanging on to less and less of the hurt. I so desparately want answers, but I must wait on God's perfect timing on this situation. Thanks for letting me vent here. :-) |
Cheryl
email: cheryl_covill@yahoo.com
3/31/2006 at 3:23 (CT)
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I am a mother of 3. A daughter that is senior in HS, a son that is in Freshman Year and a 4th grader. I beleive that I have lost touch with my daughther(Senior), since she broke it off with a long time boyfriend. There has been a tremendous change in her behavior in school and towards myself and my husband. She is downright disrespectful and has totally lost all her trust in us. It has gone as far as stealing from a local mall. I have tried to sit and talk to her which does not help any. She is now seeing a therapist in school.
I try to give her as much freedom as possible. But when it is our turn to ask for something back it is a problem. She claims that she is not a child anymore and that she needs to be treated that way. And I explain that she is only 17 and she is under my roof. Does anyone have suggestions on what to do? |
Diana
email: jangi0130@hotmail
3/28/2006 at 21:11 (CT)
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My daughter is a 14 year old freshman,last night she cried to me that she has no friends this year. She;s a straight A student,on the volleyball team.She is a very nice girl alittle sheltered by me, She is still not interested in boys ,most of all her old friends are,she's still a mommy;s girl. Her brother will graduate from college this year so she has been taised as a only child for the last 4 years, should I be overly worried about her which I am. She has such a kind heart,I don't know why she doesn't have any friends,pleasae help,thanks3 |
Barbara
email: momisme820@netscape.net
3/20/2006 at 23:59 (CT)
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My son is going to be 13 in one month he has grown like 3 inches and is taller than I(im 5 4) my question is when should he begin to shave that dirt under his nose. Its really dark. |
kelly
email: irishprncss63@aol.com
3/20/2006 at 2:55 (CT)
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I have a very smart 17 year old daughter who is not using her head right now. She is the youngest child in her group of friends and seems to be very immature compared to them. Next year she will be in college and she is making her choice of which college to attend. Several private colleges have offered her scholarships to play sports which she dearly loves to do. I know that she would gain so much from these schools, smaller classes and she can participate in almost anything that she wants to do including college sports.She has recently decided to attend the college that her boyfriend is attending. It is a big university and I know for a fact that she will be lost . Going to school to follow her boyfriend is absolutely the worst reson to pick a school. How could I make her see this? She will not even discuss it with us. |
eli
email: wordlott@aol.com
3/13/2006 at 18:36 (CT)
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My daughter is 13.. I have always had a fantastic relationship with my daughter and we still have a good one...
I can never get my daughter to do anything... She use to listen to me but now she dose not...
I have recently returned to studing full time and i am also a single mum... we had a talk before i returned to study about the house... She said to me that we can work as a team... And i said that was good... you can help around the house and we will work together... But... yeah but...
she does nothing... not even pick up after herself... i came home from school the other night and cried.... i just could not cope any more... i have just split with my husband, returned to school and i am trying to balance everything and i cant do it without her help... does anyone know how we can get them to listen... i mean really listen and to help??? or am i asking to much... |
Peta
email: doldream@bigpond.net.au
3/9/2006 at 5:58 (CT)
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I have a 15 almost 16 year old daughter(freshman) that is dating a 17 year old (junior) . We know this boy and his parents and like them. Both kids are B/C students and play sports (baseball & softball). My daughter is the only girl with 2 older brothers (18 & 20), so she and I are very close. We talk a lot and she seems to open up to me about her life. She has always complained about her periods and that they are starting to get heavier and last longer, she saw an ad on tv for birth control pills that allow only 4 periods a year. Recently, (in the last month or so) she has talked a great deal more about birth control pills and uses the excuse of her priod. I am not sure if she and her boyfriend are having sex, but I am also not niave and do not want to her to me a mom at 16. We have talked a great deal about sex and all of the reprocutions of having sex so young. Do you think that it is condoning sex if I let her get birth control pills? I am really having a hard time with this, because I understand both sides and not sure where I stand on this. PLEASE HELP!!
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Amy
email: chiefmom@yahoo.com
3/6/2006 at 3:51 (CT)
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i have a 13 yr old daughter who changed the minut she went into comp school, she changed all her friends and told me that she thinks shes gay i am deverstated and dont know how to handle the situation up now i know i have handled it badly by telling her that i still love her but dont like it . she keeps rubbing it in my face and talks about it all the time wen her friends are around i have got angry a few times and told her to respect my feelings and not mention it if thats wat she choses to be then thats fine but i dont want it around me. i know i sound selfish but i just dont know wat to say,do or how to act around her pls any one give me advice as its got to the stage now were she wount tell me anything because i dont understand were did i go wrong i feel like i've failed asa mom. |
kath
email: kathfeasby@hotmail.com
3/4/2006 at 6:42 (CT)
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Need advice on a relationship my 14 y/o daughter has with a 15 y/o boy.
The two are high academic students and have been seeing eachother at school and along with outside supervised activities for the past 3 weeks. This is eachothers first relationship. My daughter is an only child and my husband and I have a wonderful relationship with her. We communicate openly about what our expectations are of her and she respects our opinions for the mostpart. We are realistic with her growth and maturity and realize her interest in this particular boy is normal.
The problem is her 15 year old boyfriend is being shamed for his admiration for my daughter from his 17 year old sister (who has not yet dated and is a very accelerated IB student) along with his single Mother. The sister ridicules him cruely and calls my daughter names. The Mother explained to me that she is uncomfortable with her son having a relationship with the opposite sex other than friendship. She went on to change her permission to having them be together during supervised group activities to not at all. She feels threatened by my daughter and doesnt like the feeling of losing her son. The Mother has been a single mom for the past 13 years and has her kids full time. (she works as a JH school teacher) The son sees his Dad on occasional weekends as he lives a couple hours away. The son explained to me that he really misses his Dad often and that they are close. His dad says that he and his mom met at the same age and this may be why she feels the way she does.
My daughter tells me that this boy is very kind to her during school and walks her to all of her classes and spends time at lunch with her. They are very happy together and laugh a lot. Her classmates think they are the best couple on campus and they are always getting the nicest compliments about their relationship.
This boy told my daughter that he hasnt been this happy about himself in such a long time. He told her he had for a long time felt he was a loser and now he has a good outlook on life. He is very active with sports and is acedemically doing very well. But this negative feedback he keeps getting from his mother is very disturbing for him. My daughter says he is worth being patient for and in hopes his mother will eventually accept her. I feel this is a no win situation!
Last weekend the boys mother refused to let him go on a hike with my daughter and friends along with my husband and I.She said this is way too big of a step!!
This is very sad as now the mother wishes to stop them from seeing eachother all together. No group activities (supervised) including church activities! She told me last night that she doesnt want him dating at all through high school.
She wants him to focus only on school, sports, church and more responsibilites such as chores.
Thes are two very good students and individuals that I feel that this boy is going to be ruined by his mothers unhealthy feelings.
please advise! |
Pam
email: psgardenimages@aol.com
3/3/2006 at 0:43 (CT)
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I have a 17 year old son who is heading down a path of destruction. I need help on how to handle issues when he is not even living her now, he is at his dad's. |
Julie
email: julienjames@sbcglobal.net
3/2/2006 at 12:55 (CT)
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Hello Moms!
I apologize if this isn't the appropriate forum in which to post this info, but I run a website created to help parents of budding drummers and other musicians learn how to go about purchasing a first drum set online. There's an extensive tutorial on becoming an educated buyer, a glossary of drum-related terms, and plenty of other tips. I created it to assist parents like yourselves in supporting their kids' potential love of the arts. The address is drumbuyingtips.com. Please let me know if you have any questions, and again, I sincerely apologize if this is the wrong place for this post. Happy Mom-ing! |
B. Portnoy
email: bap@benjaminportnoy.com
2/23/2006 at 2:11 (CT)
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I need any some help from mothers of 17 year girls or older that can relate. I have a 17 year old daughter she is a very good student, honor roll, class president, home coming queen, cheerleader, she has accomplished so much. She is senior in high school. I am a young mother I was only 17 when I had her. She doesn't want to listen to any of my rules. She speeds alot of time with her boyfriend, well as much as I allow. He calls our house about 15 times a days and her cell phone just as much. He takes her to all the games, he shows up at the house when he's not supposed to. She complains sometimes about how that bothers her. So when she asks if he can come over on school nights and if I say no she gets mad. I bought her a car nothing fancy. She complained from the day I got it for her. She wanted a sports car. So I told her that she had two choices either drive and don't complain or I sell it. She continued to complain So I ended up selling the car now she says that I don't care about her and she is the only kid in school that doesn't have a car. I have tried several times to help her buy another car with the agreement that she pays me back. She just keeps showing me sport cars that are too expensive and the ins will be high. I try and explain this to her and she just gets really mad and storms out of the room. Every time I try and have a conversation with her it goes fine until we either talk about her boyfriend or a car then she just storms out of the room and won't talk to me. I married for the first time 10 years ago he is a great guy and cares for her very much and wants the best for her just like I do and she says that she hates him and does not have any respect for him or for me. She just keeps saying I make good grades I should be able to do what I want. I have run out of ways to punish her. I have tried taking the cell away, which she just got for Christmas, I have tried grouding everything that I can think of. After we do have a good conversation and I feel that she finally understands and is going to start to respect me it last for about 2 days then it just starts all over again. We have tried counseling. She used to be a cutter. All she did was say what she needed to say to get out of it. And she admitted that to me. She is 17 and a senior in high school. I don't know what else to do. She will be leaving for college and I am scared. Please send my any suggestion that you have I will welcome all. I'm just a young mother that wants nothing but the best for my child. I need some help. When I talk to her I just a calm voice and listen to what she says, it wasn't always like that I learned alot when we went to counseling. How to I help her to understand to respect her step father and I and how do I get her to understand that not everything is handed to her that she needs to work for what she really wants. When her friends parents are buying then brand new cars and don't give them rules. NOw that she is 17 we have very few rules. NO boyfrend in the house when we are not home, pick up after yourself, and curfew, and of course homework before anything else. She says they aren't fair. Help |
Kerry
email: joekerrym01@earthlink.net
2/22/2006 at 10:21 (CT)
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Reading this column is refreshing, it seems there aren't many answers out there but a lot of caring parents who are coping with terrible behaviour and wondering what they did wrong.
I would like to say Vickie, in regard to your stepdaughter: step parenting must be a difficult business and it sounds like you have attempted to do a lot for this child. However it is unlikely that you will succeed where her real parents have failed. It seems that her father has to get tough with her. It is not your job to parent his daughter - it is his job.
I am a single parent of two wonderful children, however I have a 13 yr old girl who is starting to go through that HORRIBLE stage. I think it happens to most girls, I am lucky as my girl is a very gentle type of person but she can still be an absolute cow to her brother, who responds by either pushing her harder or crying to me.
They go to their dads every second weekend when they get to sit around, have chocolate and a can of coke for breakfast, not wash, then have junk for the rest of the day. My house is not like this. I would love to give my kids the occasional treat but all my wages goes into putting a roof over their head and paying school fees. I work far more hours than I want to but as their father isnt paying child support (yet driving around in a 2005 car), it is impossible.
I am just trying to do the best I can with them both, as the boy tends to copy the girl...if she is premenstrual, so is he!
My daughter is (so far) doing exceptionally well at school, but the other day refused to go and said she hates school and wants home tutoring. This is a kick in the teeth as she attends private school which I am struggling to pay on one wage. I have put it down to hormones this time, but what do I say if she gets worse?
I also have a problem with her messy room and eating habits but have decided to ignore both. At least while shes at home with me, not taking drugs or out on the streets, Im not going to sweat the small stuff.
Vickie, I think that your stepdaughter needs counselling alone AND with you and her father, to identify her biggest frustrations. It is not good for such a young girl to be taking medication like anti-depressants as her brain has not yet stopped growing and there can be serious side effects.
We need to teach our kids how to handle feeling bad. My heart bleeds for my girl as I clearly remember what it was like to be 13, however at least I am there for her, unlike my mother. I have noticed my daughter is a journal keeper and I sneak a peek occasionally, I would never tell her that but it allows me to tune in to her real concerns. So far it is still all girlish stuff and immature concerns, like what is happening with the tv soaps etc. I should be grateful i guess. |
Glenys
email: bringiton_2006@hotmail.com
2/17/2006 at 14:01 (CT)
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I could really use some advice on my 15 year old step daughter. My husband and I have been married for just three years now. I have to girls who are out of the house and his three kids lived with their mother in another town 3 hours away. My husband would get the kids on some weekends and a few weeks out of the summer. He has three wonderful kids and I have to wonderful kids and all was bliss until November 2005. We received a phone call from his ex wife that his youngest (15) wanted to come live with us and she wanted to allow it. Seems she was having problems getting her to do her homework and they were having trouble (lots of trouble, some drugs, some alcohol abuse and all F's in school). Now this really isn't like this child at all, however we knew that she had lost her grandmother of whom she was very close to just a few months earlier and figured that this was what caused all this. My husband agreed for her to move up and here and this is where our problems began. Don't get me wrong, I love her just as much as I do my own kids. She is not my daughter and I wouldn't try to replace her mother in any means however, because I love her as if she was my own I also expect the same out of her that I expected out of my own. Homework comes first. If your homework is not done, you can't go anywhere....period.....I initially tried to just sit back and let my husband take control because he is her father and it should come from him. Her first quarter at school she flunked every class. She wouldn't do any of her homework no matter how much my husband asked, begged and pleaded with her. When he would get her to do an assignment she would only do one and then not turn it in. We had numerous meetings with teachers and so forth with no luck. After going back to her mothers over the holiday she returned for her second semester with us. It began the same way the first one did, she wouldn't do anything. My husband would not restrict her. She was watching tv and talking on the phone and on the computer on msn with all her friends from her original hometown. I begged and pleaded with my husband to do something and each time I did this, he would come down on her, but I had to say something first. She saw this and I became the horid step mother. I just don't want to see her flunk. She wanted to be a Vetranarian (I can't spell today) before she started going downhill and having problems. I can see the road she's headed down because it happened to me. I tried everything I could to stay out of it, especially since I am currently in school myself. I work a full time job. I do homework monday through Thursday nite. I drive 2 hours away from home Friday evenings to have clinical on Saturday in a bigger hospital and then drive back home on Saturday nite and then have clinical at my hometown hospital on Sundays. I am not upset because she interfers with what I have going on please don't think that. I love having her with us and want it to work. But, I am three quarters from being done (after being in school for over three years) with my schooling and I do not want to drop out now. I am 40 years old, no spring chicken here. Anyway...so to go on with this, I had had enough about 4 weeks ago and finally put my foot down. I told her that if she didn't fill out her day planner (my husband bought her to document her assignments received and assignments turned in) that I would go to school with her the next morning and would help her get the information needed and enter it into her book. I also told her that she get's no TV, no friends, no chatting, no phone calls until she is caught up in all her classes. She came home the first day with no change. So, the next morning I went to school with her. We filled out her assignment book in each of her class and everyone knew why we were there. I warned her that this would be what I would do. I guess she didn't believe me. After this she is doing her homework and she has brought her grades up to an A in almost all of her classes. Until last week when she decided she was not going to do anymore. She was only a few more assignments from being completly caught up and off groundation. My husband thinks I need to back off and let him take control again. He told me he would make sure he keeps reminding her that she has homework. I think that if he does that, it is the same as what he previously was doing and we will go back to what it was....I am at my wits ends here....My husband and I have a wonderful loving relationship but I can't do this and school and work, am I selfish?? I don't know...advice sorly needed. What can I do to help her???? do I back off, knowing full well that if I do and she flunks again, she will not have enough credits to graduate...I keep thinking if I back off and she flunks, she's only hurting herself....but I know there is more going on to her. She has no ambition, no spark at life. She refuses to see a counselor...Her mother had her put on antidepressants before we got her....I am at a loss as to how to handle this..... |
Vickie
email: dawnykins@charter.net
2/13/2006 at 1:48 (CT)
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Collen,
I was so excited when I read your post. I felt like you had been looking in my windows at home. We are going thru the same thing with our 14 year old son. His grades have fallen from an A to C just because he didn't do homework. We have also added lying. I hope it helps you to know you are not alone. I don't know what the answer is but you are not alone. Good Luck |
Susan
email: t_sfarmer@hotmail.com
2/10/2006 at 1:57 (CT)
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Marcie, I find it HARDLY out of line for your 14 year old to yell at that young woman for violating his private space.
The way your son sounds, I am sure she was given plenty of warning about the unwelcomed advances before he blew.
I mean, in black and white...she was molesting him.
I am sorry that it has caused such an uncomfortable situation between your husband and his co-worker, but any parent worth their salt will take responsibility for their children's actions.
I suppose that your 14 year old's yelling at her has been the focus of the problem at the parenting levels with both of your families, when it's really his co-worker's daughter's unwelcomed sexual advances that SHOULD be the root of the problem.
Your son was not the problem, SHE was.
As for your husband, unless he wants 11 carbon copies, he needs to back off and respect your 14 year old's individuality.
He apparently wanted them to be individuals at some point, or they'd all have the same name. *smiles*
Best of luck! |
Kristi
email:
2/8/2006 at 4:28 (CT)
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I have 11 kids, and 7 are younger than my 14 year old son. My oldest son is a freshman at a big university, and he is an amazing football player for their team. He is helpful in the community, outgoing, smart, and he is just like my husband was at that age. My 14 year old son is very shy, he is very good in BMX riding, very smart, and extremely nice. Lots of girls think my oldest son is 'hot', and my husband praises my oldest son all the time. I think some girls think my 14 year old son is cute (although i wish he would get a haircut because his shaggy hair hides his cute eyes, but he is cute and sweet), and my husband only compares the 14 year old son to his older brother-about everything. If my 14 year old gets a 97% on his test, it should have been 100%; instead of playing soccer or riding on his bike, he should be lifting weights, playing football; if he is playing his guitar, he should be focusing on school; if he is hanging out with our cute little neighbor (his crush and good friend), he should be helping the community. My husband and our14 year old get into bad fights constantly. Our 14 year old (note: he's shy and quiet) yells at my husband who is usually out of his mind with our son (my husband has a bad temper) and it scares some of our younger children and it scares me! My husband is a great man, but he is very strict sometimes and he is trying to live through his kids! I talk to him about it and he is trying not to but he is just thrilled that one of his sons is just like him! I've seen my 14 year old cry and he is never like that. It's scaring me, he could start using drugs or something! Sometimes my husband hears half of a story and he starts yelling.(for example, 14 year old hurt a kind-of weird girl's feelings because she kept smelling him and touching his butt and coming to his house so he yelled at her [which was bad on his part]. The girl is the daughter of a man my husband works with, and the girl's father is mad. My husband was furious, but he did not know that our son stood up for her many times to jerks at school and apologized many times, and still does stand up for her. He has a good heart, but he screws up, and my husband doesn't understand) |
Marcie
email: zlink2003@aol.com
2/4/2006 at 1:24 (CT)
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I am having problems communication with my 14 yr old son. and would like some advice. It just seems like when we (him and myself) have a conversation about school or exercise we seemed to end up mad at one another. For example he will be starting a new sport in about 2 weeks and I simply said maybe u should start exercising before your sport starts and his reply was well its not if its the entire field we'll be on,.SO I took it as if he didn't want to exercise. So I said so you don't think that you need to exercise for the sport. He said "that's not what I said I can never talk to you without you taking things the wrong way. We both ended on the defensive side because I just figured that I shouldn't have said a word Its the same way with his education about studying. He has always been a B+ to a A student in all of his classes. Well just before xmas at the 5week marking period he ended up with 2 F's He has NEVER EVER gotten grades like that before we received phone calls and notes about him not handing in assignments. When I tried talking to him about that he blew it off like it was no big deal and I simply tried explaining to him that's a big red flag saying that's theres something wrong etc.......I come right out an asked about drugs/alcohol He said absolutely not which I was QUITE relieved but he didn't have any reason for what he did.So we grounded him to having him bring all his books home to do homework for a hour ever night and that he was not going anywhere unless he was with us until he got his grades back up to where they were in the beginning of the school year. But you know it just seems like it didn't matter to him. I am confused on how to communicate effectively with him lately. He seems to have a awful attitude what advice can I get? to Better communicate with his way of talking. |
Colleen
email: clregan@usadatanet.net
1/31/2006 at 7:39 (CT)
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I need help. I am a single mother of a 12 year old son who has just returned to college on a full time basis. I am having difficulty with respect in our home. This evening, for example, I asked my son not to make a particular noise that was irritating me while I was studying. A few minutes go by, he does it again. I again, more firmly, repeated myself. He then walked out of the room and immediately began making the noise again. I lost it and started yelling. He doesn't like it when I am angry yet does the same things over and over again causing me to be angry.
I don't know what to do. I can't call his father and talk to him because he won't help and work together with me. I am all alone on this and don't know what to do.
Frustrated and crying... |
Paige
email: paigeanne@cox.net
1/26/2006 at 9:33 (CT)
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I am looking for any suggestions from other parents on incentatives to offer my 17 year old son to improve his grades. We have tried the grounding and it doesn't seem to be working. I need help with ideas (non-monetary) for an incentative program to offer him. He is good kid, but seems perfectly happy with barely making it in school and I feel sure he is not performing to his full potential. Thanks |
Jolie
email: jolienala@yahoo.com
1/26/2006 at 5:52 (CT)
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Help...It has finally happened...my 13 (almost 14 year old) daughter is drifting away...A straight-A student and just beautiful, but she just doesn't "fit in" anymore, so she says. She is mature for her age, and is attracted to older guys, not the silly 8th graders at her school.
Now she has met and is in love with a 16 year old high school boy, who is encouraging her by emailing/texting, etc.
She has become a brooding, moody girl, just a shadow of herself. She seems very depressed.
I have told her that no way, she cannot date yet anyway, which of course she finds unfair....
I fear she is isolating herself more and more from her friends and peers.
What do I do? Just watch and let it take its course?
Our 18 year old (son), wants to have a talk with the boy and tell him to back off...but I think that will make matters worse!
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Polly
email: crossfam@adelphia.net
1/23/2006 at 1:36 (CT)
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Oh my goodness, I could have wrote many of the messages here. I have 17 and 14 (freshman/junior) yr old daughters. (Do I need to say more). My problem is my 14 yr old who dates (so I thought) a really nice, smart 16 yr old boy. I've found out quite a few things about him and his 'friends' that are 'girls'. My daughter has caught him a couple of times. She is forgiving and refuses to see that he cannot be trusted. I'm having a real hard time holding back, because she is such a nice catch and shouldn't have to put up with this. I know way more than she thinks, unfortunately I cannot share these things with her without ratting myself out on some things. They are together almost all the time. I REALLY want to like this kid, however he just has a shady part to him and I say she's WAY too young to be dealing with this. Right now I want to ring his neck and of course she says 'butt out'! I'm trying to, trying really hard, but I don't trust him to not hurt my daughter, not one ounce. HELP! Do I just sit back and let her look like a fool and fall on her face? |
W
email: smithbw@charter.net
1/18/2006 at 11:01 (CT)
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Ok, I am looking for some other mothers out there. I have a 15 year old girl. She is from my first marriage when I was 21. I was then remarried when she was 2 until 13. Then divorced again. And yes, remarried at 15. She has always been attached to me, seems at the hip. I have been strict with her but not over bearing like my dad was. We talked about almost everything. I buy her things, but not everything. She has to work around the house for an allowance and save for big items. I hear now that I don't know her anymore. I used to get her and now I don't. She doesn't feel like she can talk to me without me telling her stepfather. Not that that has happened before. She is assuming.
So, do you think this is just normal teenage stuff? Or stemming from me? My current husband is great and they get along better than she and I do sometimes. Lately she is mad at all her friends for some reason or another and pretty much everyone in her life.
Let me hear from you moms!!! |
Michelle
email: Shelbyakataxi@aol.com
1/13/2006 at 8:20 (CT)
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I was feeling down the other day because like alot of parents of teenagers when they turn 13........14........... there's so many changes that sometimes we feel like maybe we did something wrong. So I went to my OB Dr. for a yearly check up and as we talked she told me that both her and her husband are Dr.'s and have two children and that their daughter was the model child until middle school. With everything that goes on in public middle school, she said for two years they basically lost their daughter. They eventually put her in private school in the ninth grade and it took them two years to get her back to the girl they remembered in grade school. So I'm done blaming myself. I have sacrificed my life for almost fourteen years. I have bought her nothing but the best of clothes, while I walked around in Salvation Army clothes or hand me downs. I purposely worked as a nurse all night long so that I was home all day and evening. On Friday nites we always did pizza and friends over, I volunteered in the school, had her in church on Sunday and lived and died for my two kids..............if they go down the wrong path, I'll chalk it up to society. I think all we can do is encourage our children. As for the parent who's daughter won't wash, I would probabaly true to somehow work through that with something like...............When you go to school, you must be clean and neat.........on the weekend, you can go without a shower all weekend, but through the week you must wash. If it's beyond that, maybe the school nurse could give some pointers. But I'll tell ya, that as soon as a boy takes a liking to her, she'll wash. hahahaha ...............well, that's about it for today, write back any parents who wish to. Thanks. |
teresa
email: jgriffi9@nycap.rr.com
1/13/2006 at 3:49 (CT)
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My almost 17 year old son gets sick all the time. He has IBS but manages that pretty well most of the time. He is obsessed with not gaining weight--building up his muscles. He misses so much school and it's worrying me to death. How will he ever finish school and be able to attend a community college or get a decent job? Does anybody out there have any suggestions for me? I'm past desperate!!! |
Susan
email: suzipi41@hotmail.com
1/13/2006 at 2:35 (CT)
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I have a 13yr old girl. I love her to death. I wonder where that fun-loving, carefree, silly girl has gone to? The Problem is, she doesn't want to take care of herself, no washing, bathing, brushing her teeth. She'll walk around with unkempt hair, food in her teeth, and even on her face. I have pushed her to keep clean, I have let her go....and told her she needs to do this for herself. She won't, she'd go for days w/o washing. She wants to spend hours on the computer, and will become sullen if we tell her it's time to log off. She is into doom and gloom, not quite gothic, but black all the time, she's not a happy camper!!! She writes dark poems.
She does horseback riding, karate, and art lessons. She is incredibly smart, straight A's, a talented artist (has won awards and been classified as 'gifted' in her art. She's beautiful and has a wicked sense of humor. I don't know what else to do. It's as if she is like my 2.5 yr old son, who needs to be entertained and monitored all the time, but she's 13.. I love her so much, I cry because I wonder if I have done something wrong,or wha |
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