Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: Should I take my 18-year-old's car and gas card away and wake her early so she can go job hunting?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 18-year-old daughter has just told me that she will not pay the rent that her father and I said she needs to pay if she is not going to school and, "What am I going to do about it?" She graduated from grade 12 last June but had failed her math and also needed to get another science to be able to get into any programs she was interested in for college or university. She didn't work at her math at all in grade 12 and so decided she would go back to school this September and try to get those credits. She was always told that if she wasn't going to school, she would need to get a job and pay us rent.

During the last semester she did not apply herself to her classes and again failed her math – even though we hired a tutor for her. Now that school is over, we want her to get a full-time job, pay rent, buy her own gas, clothes, etc., and she doesn't want to work mornings and has a lot of other excuses for not getting a full-time job. She is working part-time, but would not make enough money to support herself.

In the meantime, she sleeps late, has people come in all hours, eats out most of the time and does not help around the house. Should I take the car away, take her gas card away and wake her early so she can go job hunting? She has always been very stubborn and always finds a way to do the opposite of what I say.

Answer:

This is tough because it's hard to figure what her motivation is. My rule of thumb is when a kid (and from her behavior I'm going to still think of her as a kid) is acting against what seems to be in her/his best interest, there must be a reason. If you get into a power struggle with her over cars and credit cards, you have to be willing to go all the way with it. If she is as stubborn as you say, you might want to use your imagination and predict how it will turn out – whether or not it will bring you the result you want.

I would certainly protect your own interests in the sense that she should not have people over all hours. The sleeping late and eating could be signs of depression or some sense of hopelessness because she hasn't been able to fulfill those educational and/or work promises. This sounds like someone who has a rough time with her own self-esteem, which sounds like a pop-psychology term, but which is very important to feeling powerful enough to get control over one's own life.

If I were thinking about making her pay rent, I'd ask myself if it is realistic, and if it isn't, am I really willing to throw her out? I might try sitting down with her and asking for some help with the dilemma, being clear that you guys are only willing to supply the basics, but that you will help her with anything you can come to an agreement on that will get her out of her current state. You can be assured that as much as she may get nasty about it or refuse to talk about it, she's no more satisfied with her situation than you are. So I would close off the avenues for her to remain inert and try to get her to be the force in creating a solution.

In the end, if there is no movement, you may decide to take the gas card and all, but if you put her in the position of being able to earn whatever privileges back, then the ball is always in her court. It takes some kids longer to grow up than others.