Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My daughter pierced her belly button without permission and kept it from me until I discovered it by accident. What do you suggest I do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

Two years ago, my daughter and I discussed belly piercing. I asked her to wait until she was 18 to make such a decision. I was concerned about health risks, provocative body decorations at such a young age and the maturity level of my daughter to make such a choice. About three weeks ago, at almost 17 years old, she pierced her belly button without permission and kept this from me until I discovered it by accident. She then proceeded to justify what she did by stating the following:

1. It's her body.
2. She gets excellent grades.
3. She doesn't do drugs or drink or anything else. She does everything else right, so why can't she have this one thing?
4. She does not see the issue. There is none for her since it is such a small thing.
5. She would not remove it, and I was not going to remove it either.
6. Ground her and be done with it. What difference would it make?

I was supposed to tell her my "real reason" for being upset about this? I told her the following:

1. I asked her to wait until she was 18, when she would be more mature to make such a decision.
2. I know she gets excellent grades, and I frequently acknowledge this.
3. I do not know what else she does, as she has broken my trust by doing this behind my back.
4. I repeatedly told her to remove the belly button ring, to which she stated "no."
5. I confiscated her bank card and license. I also told her I would talk to her boss and see that she had no access to her money – it would just go into her account until I could be sure she would respect the rules in the house. She didn't care about any of this. She would not remove the ring.

I am so upset about all of this. She stated that I was a control freak, and that the only reason I said no in the first place is because it was something I wouldn't do. I don't know that I did any of this right. I only know she is still wearing the ring despite my stating she had to remove it. What do you suggest?

Answer:

I would suggest you can learn a pretty good lesson if you pay attention to your last sentence. All that fight, and she's still wearing the ring.

Answer this question for yourself: Would you rather have all this animosity and distrust between the two of you and no belly ring, or a warmer, friendlier relationship with a belly ring? Look at your "reasons" from her point of view. For one thing, any time you tell someone they're not mature enough, they will likely fight you, because they are more mature at that point than they've ever been. And truthfully, I can't see the difference between making that decision when you're 18 or when you're 16.

For the most part, it's a statement about individuality. It's a decoration. You see it as sexually suggestive, which it may be, but I can guarantee you that your daughter can find plenty of ways to be sexually suggestive without putting a hole in herself. Adolescence is a sexual time, and it's a lot more important for us to keep those lines of communication open than it is to tell them they're not mature enough to express what is going on with them. What you want is responsible behavior. I know a girl who has had a number of piercings since 15 or so, but if you are disrespectful to her in regard to sex, you might take your teeth home in a bag.

As far as the health issue goes, I have to say it's not really an issue. First, it won't be any more healthy to do it at age 18 than now, and there are plenty of reputable places to get yourself pierced. If she gets infected, well, there's the lesson you wanted, right?

Your No. 5 answer disturbed me, because with this you are escalating this thing far beyond where it needs to go, and in a counselor's office you might just have to wear that "control freak" label she's trying to put on you. This doesn't have anything to do with her boss or her bank account, and quite frankly, it doesn't have anything to do with trust either. Adults seem to think if we tell a kid to do something and she doesn't do it (or tell her not to, and she does) that she has "broken trust," and a whole lot needs to be done to "earn" that back. All that has happened really, is that she is trying to express herself, and I could let that be and pay attention to those things that I'm truly worried about instead of symbols.

Here's the trust I want to build with a kid. "If anything happens to you, you can trust that you can come to me and I will help. If there is anything you need to understand, you can come to me and I will do whatever I can to help you understand it. I will listen to you and tackle it from your point of view." See, you are confusing trust and obedience, and they are two very different things. In the end, you want to be the "go to" person, and you take yourself off that short list when you get into a power struggle about a hole in her bellybutton. When she's tired of it, it grows over.

And by the way, because someone obeys the rules in your house doesn't mean they respect them. It's important for all of us to distinguish between those terms, because respect is a concept we take into our adulthood and how we use it can make or break us.