Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 13-year-old daughter is almost impossible to live with. Please tell me how to handle a child like this.

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

I have a 13-year-old daughter who is almost impossible to live with. The day after her 12th birthday, my daughter disappeared and her evil twin came out. When it comes to me, her mouth does not stop. She is a major smart mouth – rude, disrespectful and lies. She is not like this around other people and not like this to her father.

My husband works second shift so he only sees the kids Friday through Sunday because they are at school when he leaves for work and in bed when he gets home. Just yesterday she told me that her mouth is 'what it is' and her attitude is 'what it is' and I should just accept it and her for what they are and get over it. Needless to say, that did not go over big with me.

I am to the point where I can't take it any more. Please tell me how to handle a child like this. Right now she is mad and not speaking to me because I took her favorite jeans away yesterday because of her attitude toward me, and then I took TV away when she gave me her little speech about how I better accept her mouth and attitude. Her not speaking to me is a blessing because I have a break from her mouth and attitude. My two boys are 14 and 11, and my youngest daughter is 6, and they are nothing like my oldest daughter.

Answer:

Ah, isn't adolescence grand? When someone asked me once why I don't write a book about ways for parents to survive their children's adolescence, I said, "Because after I said, 'Don't judge' and 'Don't take it personally,' I wouldn't have anything else to say.

First, I wouldn't get into the business of taking away her favorite things in response to her attitude because for one thing, she has a lot more attitude than she has favorite things, and once she's out of things to take away, she has nothing to lose. The last thing I want around me is a kid with nothing to lose.

Look, kids get attitude sometimes without even knowing why. They feel angry and inadequate and insecure, and they focus that on the person safest to focus it on. To some degree, it's a backhanded compliment to you that she feels safe enough to say those things. That doesn't make them any easier to hear, but I'd deal with her on a more immediate basis.

When she gives me attitude, I give her nothing back. If she really wants something from me, she knows how to ask for it. For the most part when her mouth is as adolescent as you say, don't respond. She's needing a fight and going the best place to get it. I can guarantee when you see that kind of behavior, she's afraid of something. But if you were to SAY that to her, you'd just get more attitude. So get some armor and use it for non-response, while at the same time looking for those times when you get a chance to talk; those times when she's complaining about something but seems to actually want an answer. Let her participate in solutions, but be adamant that you don't respond when you feel you're being treated badly.

An important thing here is not to try to explain to her what you think is happening with her. Make the structure for yourself. When she's relatively decent, engage. When she gets nasty, disengage. Much of the time you can say, "You seem to be having a really tough time; let me know if I can do anything to help." If she says something along the lines of "You can get out of my life," tell her it needs to be something you could actually do. And then get out of the conversation.

People think we can teach adolescents mature behavior by punishing them when the don't exhibit it, but we really do that by modeling it in tough times, which she is creating in spades. So let her know it doesn't work, and spend some time with your husband talking about it so you don't go crazy. I sometimes think I could create a T-shirt, bumper-sticker, baseball-cap franchise with the phrase, "If you don't want me to push your buttons, don't hand me the remote." Don't hand her the remote.