Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 15-year-old daughter admitted that her boyfriend has been coming over for several weeks while we are at work and that they have been having sex. Do you have any advice?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 15-year-old daughter has been having her boyfriend over to our home during the day while my husband and I are at work. A friend mentioned to us that he had seen a vehicle that fit the description of her boyfriend's at our house at 10:30 in the morning. When we confronted her, she didn't lie. She admitted that he had been coming over for several weeks and that they had been having sex.

Her father and I have been devastated by this! Neither of us could stop crying for three days! He and I have both had conversations with her, many conversations, about sex and self-esteem. She always led us to believe that she looked at things the way we did. That her body was sacred and she should give herself to the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. Now, I think she was just humoring us. She acts like this is no big deal. "Everybody does it! Why are we making it such a huge thing?"

My husband and I have different feelings about this. I feel like a failure. He feels like we gave her too much – too much "stuff" and too much freedom. Who's right? I have made an appointment with an OB/GYN and will have her on birth control in a few days. It kills me to do it! This is something my mother would NEVER have done! But I don't see an option. We are obviously not having an impact on her decision making. Do you have any advice?

Answer:

That's a very tough situation. You're doing the right thing by getting her on birth control, because the alternative will give you all way more problems than you need. You are not a failure because your 15-year-old daughter is having sex, and I can't tell whether "giving her too much stuff and too much freedom" had anything to do with it.

I doubt that she was just "humoring" you when she said she agreed with your perceptions of self-esteem and sex and waiting until she was married, but that look at things is unrealistic for most kids. Most kids can't tell you what self-esteem IS. We talk to them as if we're on the same developmental level, but the adult perspective on self-esteem and the adolescent perspective on self-esteem are most often different. Your dilemma highlights something we adults often miss: that "morality" and "good" behavior don't come through lecture. There is nothing wrong with letting her know your values, and she may very well come out of this relationship knowing them even better.

If it is unacceptable (which, from what I've read, it certainly is) for her to have sex in your house, I would let her know that in no uncertain terms. I wouldn't say it from the point of view that having sex is "bad" but from the point of view that your values won't allow you to condone it. "If you're going to be sexually active, there is nothing I can do about that, but it has to be somewhere else." That means if you have to come home in the middle of the day to check, then you will. What you want to pay attention to is her other behaviors. Is she still doing OK in school and activities? Are the other things you have always been involved in with her still happening?

Do NOT let this be a divisive thing between you. Cry together but not in front of her. Don't preach, as hard as that is. Do not make this a bigger thing than it is. I know it feels awful, but that's more because of how you grew up than how she grew up. In a way, she's right. A lot of 15-year-old girls are having sex. A lot are not. Some handle it well. Others don't. I would certainly stave it off if I could, but I can't. This is a time when you really want to focus on the other positive things about her. Be as matter-of-fact as you can, and don't make her feel she is "less than" in your family now because of her decision. It's not one you like or agree with, but it is sure not worth losing your relationship with her over. Remember that parenting is for the long run.

I know people who were having sex early in their lives who are doing just fine now, and vice versa. Sex itself is not by any means the only issue of self-esteem. Force yourself to look at the big picture, and ask yourself if you'd be having the same heartache if she were a boy. You might have the same philosophy about a boy, but would your reaction be as powerful?

Good luck. This one takes patience, and it takes really stretching yourself. You have already done the smart thing to take care of the immediate dangers. Now take a breath and vow to yourselves that you're not going to let it take a bigger toll on your relationship. And by the way, it doesn't matter much whether you or your husband is right about how it started – probably neither of you are.