Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: Our 17-year-old says we can't stop him from going on a trip with friends. We don't want to physically restrain him, but I don't know of any way to stop him. Any suggestions?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My son is almost 17 years old and a sophomore in high school. For Christmas last year, we gave him a very expensive, fast car. He adores his car, but he has altered it to make it faster. His only interest right now seem to be his car. His grades are horrible – mostly Ds and Fs. This weekend, he wants to take a driving trip with some older teenagers to a car show about 300 miles away. We have told him he cannot take his car, but he says he is going anyway. We have told him we will not give him any money to go, and he doesn't have any money. He is refusing to go to school and says we can't stop him from going on the trip. We don't want to physically restrain him, but I don't know of any way to stop him. I truly feel that this trip would be dangerous for him to take for many reasons. Any suggestions?

Answer:

It sounds like the car show is the least of your problems. A car is a privilege, not a right. I'd go back and let him know that access to the car is dependent on his covering his responsibilities first. If the value of education has been prominent in your home and if you have had some performance requirements that are reasonable, the car comes with his performance. I'm not talking about straight As; I'm talking about passing.

I think you're smart in not physically restraining him, and if he goes, he goes. But he goes without the car, and it becomes something he can earn the right to at any time, by meeting his responsibilities. No lectures, no fights. Just "here is how you earn your car privileges."

I can't help reading this without thinking some preliminary work hasn't been done, that he has been successful in digging in his heels before on important issues. This might be something you want to do with a referee, as in a good therapist who knows adolescent issues. Good luck.