Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: We're at a loss over disciplining my teen stepdaughter. What should we do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

Two years ago, my stepdaughter came to live with us. Her mother kicked her out at 14 years old. In the last month, she has runaway twice. We had her picked up by the cops. She says she can't live here, because we are too controlling. We believe in courtship rather than dating. We also don't let her go out with or hang out around friends that we don't know or trust. She says we should trust her, but she's broken every bit of trust we put in her.

She doesn't see it that way. We're at a loss right now. I don't know what to do with her anymore. Fighting, screaming, taking off, refusing to do anything, etc. – it's a daily occurrence here. What should we do?

Answer:

From what you're describing, or from how I'm reading it, I'd get her into counseling with you immediately. She's 14, and a lot of the big guns have already been used: running away, cops, etc. I would leave open the possibility that maybe you are too controlling. Most people who say what you said about friends can't be convinced, and friends end up having to go through all kinds of tests they aren't willing to pass, and the child loses her connections to them.

I have no idea what courtship rather than dating means, but again, ask yourself what you want as a result. This isn't about trust, because it sounds like there isn't any. You see very little eye-to-eye, so there's no ground for finding trust. That could be helped by a good counselor. If you decide to go to one, look around and make sure you have one that has done extensive work with teenagers and has had good results.

I know what you're going through seems like a true horror show, but if you get another perspective involved and keep an open mind, there are lots of strategies that include everyone feeling some power. Good luck.