Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 14-year-old daughter is experiencing her "first love," is getting way too involved and is starting to ignore her friends and other aspects of her life. What do we do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 14-year-old daughter is experiencing her "first love," is getting way too involved and is starting to ignore her friends and other aspects of her life. What do we do?

She started seeing her 16-year-old boyfriend about seven months ago – without her father or me knowing. When we did find out, we tried to be calm about it and invited him over, figuring while she sees him, we would, too. He's a nice kid, but as time has gone by, the two of them have gotten very close emotionally and physically.

I suspected they were having a sexual relationship, and spoke with my daughter, who admitted they had just started having sex. I didn't know what to do, so I spoke with them both, so they were properly educated about many of the old wives' tales out there about how you can't get pregnant if ... and I bought them condoms. I will also be taking her to an OB/GYN. This was done without my husband's knowledge, because he keeps telling them that he will kill them both if they have sex, and she would never see him again. Well, that didn't work.

Just the other day, I discovered a card in her room from her boyfriend saying how much he loved her and would do anything for her, etc. She doesn't go out with her friends anymore or talk to them on the phone. Not being a very good student to begin with, her grades are even worse. She's so miserable when she can't be with him or talk to him, and I know that if we prevented her from seeing him that she would lie and sneak behind our backs, and we would never know what is going on.

I've talked to her over and over about my concerns, but that doesn't seem to change anything. I'm worried sick, and I don't know what to do.

Answer:

That's the nature of first love. Close your eyes. Go back. Imagine someone telling you your first love was getting in the way of the other aspects of your life. Is that a fight you want, or do you want to be there when some of the "firstness" of it wears off, and she's catching back up? And do you want to be there to ask when she has questions about her feelings and the frustration of "first love"?

Remember, from the inside, first love feels like any other kind and should never be trivialized. Depending on how bad her grades have gotten, you might want to negotiate with her some ways of getting them back up. Maybe even talk with him about how important you think that is, and get some agreement from them that they will use some of their time for study.

One piece of your question brought up a red flag, and you would know the answer to this better than I. The "urgent" nature of her behavior and her thoughts when she can't be with him makes me wonder if that is connected to the differences between yours and your husband's take on all this.

My-way-or-the-highway, kill-them-if-they-have-sex dads are often people who aren't all that nurturing with their kids or their wives. If that is true, it may have something to do with her "desperation" to be with him and an irrational fear of losing the emotional connection. Just a thought.