Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My daughter can't pay her rent. Do you think it would be a good idea for us to pay her rent?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My daughter moved out on her own immediately after high school graduation (July 2003). I know she is having sex, drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. I don't know to what extent she is doing this. She has distanced herself from me emotionally. She still calls and comes to visit but is certainly not close to me like she used to be.

I'm wondering how much of this is normal and what I can do to get her to open up to me. If I call her too much (more than once a week), she gets annoyed, especially on a Sunday when she appears to be hung over. Also, she had to quit her job, as she moved on March 1. She has been looking for another job, but hasn't found one, and her rent is due in a few days. Do you think it would be a good idea for us to pay her rent (or loan her the money)? I don't know how she would pay her rent if we don't provide the money, and we would like to help her, but she is so cold (and sometimes rude) toward us.

Answer:

This is one of those situations where I wish I had more history. She may have felt too constricted living at home, or there may be outside influences, or she may have a tough addiction. I would always err on the side of caution. If I thought that paying her rent would keep her safer until she can learn to handle her new life, I'd pay the rent. A lot of times, we think we can "teach people lessons" by telling them what they're doing wrong or by making things tougher. But sometimes when it's time to break away from the family, it's just plain hard.

I'd pay the rent for a while and see if things change – if she gets the new job and if she warms up a little when I didn't put requirements on her. If there is no change, I'd put some reasonable conditions on the rent, if nothing more than talking with me about what's wrong or going into counseling with me to get an outside perspective on this. She may harbor some resentments you don't even know about, and it's best to get a third-party opinion in cases like that. As I said, I'd need a lot more history and maybe some of it from her.