Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 13-year-old son is incredibly unhappy. Is there anything that I can do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 13-year-old son is a fantastic student. He skipped a grade, so he is doing very well at school. He swims competitively five or six times a week and plays baseball four times a week, but he is incredibly unhappy. I tried to talk to him about it, but he sort of "turned off." We have a pretty good relationship, but he says that he hates school and hates the kids there. Even outside of school he is really unhappy. He has no close friends. Is this normal, and is there anything that I can do?

Answer:

A teacher on the west side of my state had a T-shirt made up that reads, "Normal is a cycle on my washing machine" – which I kind of liked. It's hard to say what's normal. Your son is responding to something, and the trick is to figure out what it is.

The problem is, he may not know. It is good that he's at least telling you he's unhappy. Keep that line of communication open. Sometimes it's best to simply be able to talk about things that don't feel good until you can figure out what to do about them.

I don't know the particulars, but it sounds like he has a lot on his plate. With all those good grades and all those activities, I wonder if he feels too much pressure to be "good" at everything. I wonder if he is too demanding of himself. Some kids get into the place where nothing is good enough, and they forget how to have fun.

If I'm a parent of this boy, all my focus is going to be on having a good time and releasing pressure. If I have little things in my communication with him that say, "That's great, but I know you can do better" or "Was that your best?" I dump them.

Thirteen is a tough age. Identity issues come up. Mortality issues come up. Sexual issues come up. It won't do any good to play detective in terms of discovering what is wrong. It will do a lot more good to support him in allowing him to find his way. If you're a parent who says, "If you start something you have to finish it," dump that, too. Like I said, he may have too much on his plate.

Your best friend here is time. Most of the time, these are just hard developmental stages to get through, and he will right himself if allowed. I wouldn't ask a lot of questions, but I'd be there to answer any of his. Your attempts to discover what's wrong when he's struggling with it himself will probably only irritate him.

If it persists, let him know you will help him find a counselor. Some kids need a safe place to just talk about things where their parents' feelings won't get hurt and where they can simply sort things out. Keep in touch with the people at school who are his best supporters and see if they have worries.