Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: I do not know how to effectively discipline my 15-year-old son. What can I do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 15-year-old son displays no respect for me as his mother. He is grounded for having friends over while I am not home, but he just walks out anyway. I do not know how to effectively discipline him. He needs his computer for school, so I cannot take it away from him. What else can I do?

Answer:

I think we make a mistake when we think of "discipline" and punishment as the same concepts. In the best of worlds, we introduce discipline into our children's lives so they can internalize it and turn it into part of their own makeups over time. The problem with using punishment as discipline is that there are few punishments that kids don't outgrow. As a teenager, if grounding has always been my punishment and I hate it, the first day I think I'm big or independent enough to defy it, I will.

It's possible you need to get into the business of letting your son "earn" his privileges. If he is considerate of you, you will feel more like being considerate of him. If not, you provide the necessities, and he can find the luxuries on his own. BUT, being his mother does not in itself command respect. That's just biology. Respect is something that is learned by imitation. I respond to respect when I feel respected.

I don't know what he did when he had his friends over. Did he trash the place, or did he simply defy a rule? Though both require attention, each requires a different kind. This may be one of those situations that requires a referee, and if so, I'd seek out good counseling – someone who really knows the developmental stage of adolescence and who can help you negotiate differences and still understand that YOU'RE the one who is in charge of physical and emotional safety.

A sidebar about the computer: He may need the computer for school, but that means he needs only research for the Internet and word processing – maybe some money software if he's taking accounting or economics. If things are going well, the computer is a luxury he can have. If not, the computer comes out into the living room to be used for necessities. He can earn his luxuries back ANY time. This is the difference between discipline (punishment) and structure. Under a structured situation, the teen is in charge of his/her own destiny. Under a punishment situation, he/she is not. Remember when you ground someone effectively, you also ground yourself.

Tough stuff. I could be clearer with more information about how the current situation came about.