Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 18-year-old daughter left home. How should we handle this without losing her?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 18-year-old daughter left home because she didn't like our rules. She is still in high school, and we are worried she will not finish school. We did not let her take her car because it is in my name. She has a part-time job. We told her she can come home anytime, but the rules stay the same. She has to be home between 11 or 12 depending on what she is doing. We told her she needs to tell us who she is with and what they are doing. She said that she is getting an apartment with her boyfriend and will get rides to school. How should we handle this without losing our daughter?

Answer:

This is tough because it requires compromises that are hard to make for most parents. Your daughter is 18 years old which makes her legally an adult which is to say she can do what she wants within legal limits.

If I'm in your shoes, I'm going to assess whether this is a battle I want to fight. There is some truth to the saying, "What we resist, persists." It's very possible that the more you engage in the power struggle over your rules, the more resistance you will get from her. It's possible you can't exist under the same roof with the current rules. If that's true, then she's going to move out.

It's possible that you could sit down with her, hear what she feels is fair and come to a compromise about those rules until she gets out of high school and on her own. It's possible that you can help her stay in school if she moves out by supporting her where you can. It's also possible that no matter what you do, she'll drop out. This is one of those cases where you have to be willing to fail in order to succeed.

The most important part of your question to me was: "How should we handle this without losing our daughter?" In the long run, that's the most important part of all of this. She's making some choices right now that may end in hard times ahead. As I've said before, our job as adults isn't necessarily to prevent the fall, but to be there to help them up. I know you feel the stakes are high, and you're right, but in fact, there's not a lot of choice here. What I'm going to say here is, "No matter what, you're our daughter, and we'll do what we can to help you find your way." I'd let her know how important it is to have her finish school and go on, but in the end the choice is hers.

Many parents in cases like these say they can't be any part of these kinds of choices and wash their hands of their kids (or at least say that) or disown them for the time being. I have yet to hear of one case where that was productive. True, people sometimes get past it, but it's always a situation that needs to be repaired to move on.

This is also one of those times when I would counsel you not to try to convince. Don't try to convince her your rules are fair. Don't try to convince her of the mistake she is making and how her life is going to turn out if she doesn't listen to you.

Find out if you have enough common ground for her to stay, and if so, get on with it. If not, discover within yourselves how you can support her while she's living outside the home with two goals in mind: her finishing school and you not losing her (and vice versa). This will require some thinking "outside the box," as they say, which is to say outside your comfort zone.

It may be worth it to see a family counselor who is good at negotiation. Don't try to find a family counselor who will try to convince her that you're right. There are plenty of those, but that tactic will very likely not work. Good luck.