Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: Should I tell my 14-year-old son that he need to pick an extracurricular activity or else he will not be allowed free time to "hang out"?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

I have a 14-year-old son. He has a lot of different interests, but he does not like to do anything that is structured. For example, he will play basketball on his own but will not play on a team. He doesn't like the practices or the structure of it. As he gets older, he dislikes structure more and more.

My concern is that he is more interested in "hanging out" with his friends, and he is choosing friends who also choose not to be in anything structured. Some of his friends are also 14, and they smoke cigarettes and are making other poor choices.

Should I give him a choice and tell him he needs to pick an extracurricular activity or else he will not be allowed free time to "hang out." I know the more involved he is, the more I know where he is and what he is doing. Or do you suggest something different?

Answer:

The whole business of "peer influence" is always tough, because we don't want to get into a power struggle about friends, but we also know the more idle time or "boring" time a kid has, the greater the possibility for some kind of problems.

I wouldn't worry about the "structure" piece as much as just getting him involved in something. Most kids who like some activity but don't like to participate in it on a structured level are worried about their competence or are struggling with the authority that goes with the structure. I'd want to know which, but I would also try to explore all possibilities of activities. Some kids are really better at individual sports or music than they are in larger groups.

Sit down with him and get all his interests down. Reward him with hang out time or free time or privileges for getting involved. A lot of people balk at this as "bribery," but the fact is, we do things when they are worth it, and sometimes kids need a kick start. I'd keep an eye on his overall "productivity" in school and other areas. If I saw a big change in that, I'd worry more about his hanging out, but if he's doing OK in those areas, I'd keep this on the level of encouragement and discovery of interests. And as always, a sense of humor helps.