Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 14-year-old is going back on a deal we made. What am I supposed to do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

Fourteen-year-old son. Good kid. Once honor roll student but now below average. Shy. Introvert. Slacks with homework only; fails to turn it in. Typical at-home teenager problems doing chores. We (son and mother) made a deal that if I would buy him a trampoline, he would join tumbling and cheerleading with his sister who cheers for a private company, not school. His age students. Only one other boy on this team.

I had him in private tumbling lessons first so that he would not be embarrassed starting the team with all girls that have cheer experience. He fought doing that, and then realized he loved it. Again this was private; he did good in the class. Now it is time to do the cheer prep, which you do for a month, and then you join the team and start going to competitions. My reason for doing this is strictly because he will not do sports and works out only at home. He has no structured activity – will go to church but will not go to or participate in any Sunday school or out of church activity.

He is about 5 feet 11 inches tall, 180 pounds. He was once overweight with a belly. He has a great body and good looks, although he still sees himself as fat and ugly. He was made fun of at school because he was an honor roll student and overweight. He is kind hearted and helps with the blind students at his school. He does volunteer at our local fire department, but he has juvenile arthritis and therefore needs to keep his body exercised. He is fighting me tooth and nail that he is not going to do the cheerleading now. He has never been a child to back talk or be ugly to his parents, but we pull teeth for him to remember to do his chores, homework, etc.

I feel so strongly about the fact that:

1. He made a deal and should carry out his end.
2. He needs this activity to bring him out of his shell. The girls on the team are already fighting over which team he is going to be on; they all want him.

When we go to competitions and he sees all the boys cheering, he likes it and considers doing it. Get him home and he changes his mind. Doing this activity can open up all kinds of doors for him in many areas. He argues with me, gets smart with me and flat out says he is not going to do this. I am confused. I don't think at his age he has the right to tell me that he is not going to do something. I realize he has no clue what is or is not best for him at his age or what it could mean to his future. I feel also that he needs to hold up his end of the deal.

So what am I supposed to do? Do I let him think he can tell me what he is or is not going to do? Do I show him who is boss and drag him there if I have to? Or, am I wrong for feeling so strongly about him cheering on a team?

Answer:

Wow. That's quite a dilemma. I think the choices you're offering yourself are not the only ones. You seem to be asking, "Is he the boss or am I the boss?" and the problem with that is that one person is going to be very disappointed. The truth is, whether he knows what is good for him or not, you cannot MAKE him do the cheerleading. There are a million ways he can sabotage it and a million ways to take the power struggle to the very heights possible. I for one would not fight my battle there.

Here's a possibility: Tell him you're willing to give up on the cheerleading if he is willing to replace it with something. Get ideas from him and give him ideas but come to some agreement. That's easier said than done, but if your requirement is only that he do SOMETHING constructive and the two of you can come together on the definition of that term, you've got a pretty good chance. There are all kinds of privileges that come with doing chores, and I would make those separate from this particular battle. That one is easy. "When you do this, you can do that" – THIS being the chore and THAT being the privilege.

I think I hear a tone that is setting up a power struggle no one can win, and this is not a fight worthy of the two of you coming out with a bruised relationship. You say he doesn't know what's good for him, and that's not usually true. He may not be willing to DO what's good for him, but I'll almost guarantee you he knows many things that are good for him that you would agree with.

About the talking back. We as adults give that the power it has. If it doesn't REALLY bother me (as in, if I don't allow myself to take it personally like 90 percent of the other adolescent behaviors), it won't have a lot of effect. My rule of thumb for that is if he starts calling me names, etc., I put a stop to it with taking away the things I usually do for him. But if he's just blowing off steam, I'd get out of the way and let him blow it – of course, not to his harm. People often worry that if a kid is allowed to "get away with" some of that, they will always do it, but the truth is they learn a LOT more from you by what you do than by what you tell them.

The good news is that it is so clear that you care about him and are worried about him becoming the best man he can. Remember adolescence is a time to discover, and some of that discovery is ugly. But also remember that very few people WANT to be jerks, and a lot of the behavior you see at home during this time will remain at home. Again, choose your battles carefully and always be sure they're ones that are aimed at his emotional, physical and psychological safety. It's tough being the parent in this case, but it sounds like this kid has a pretty good foundation, and if so, that's attributable to you.