Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: How can I convince my daughter to take my advice about her distrusting boyfriend?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My daughter is 15 1/2, and she has been dating a boy for one and a half years. He's a very jealous boy. He's also one and a half years older than she is. I'm trying to show her that he's not worth it, but she says she loves him too much to let him go. What I always hear on the phone is "but I didn't do it," and that just comes across to me as though he doesn't trust her. How can I convince her that I've "been there, done that" and I know what I'm talking about or what I'm trying to tell her and to take my advice?

Answer:

If you can convince a 15 1/2-year-old that you know what you're talking about, I'm going to start sending you questions!

These always scare me because (and again, remember I don't know this boy, so I'm playing in generalities) jealousy traits and accusation traits are those of insecure personalities, and they can turn into stalking behaviors. I'm not necessarily talking about guys who hunt you down and harm you, but rather guys who will do anything to make you prove you love them and who will never let you be good enough because they fear if you feel like you are, you'll leave them.

You can't tell her she doesn't love him. You can't tell her he's not worth it. If you do either of those things you start a monologue going in her head to refute your words. And if she gets mad, it starts a dialogue with him where he fills her head with why you are wrong. Again, forget content, go with process. The trick is to be there. Catch her when she's hurt and angry and complaining that he won't ever believe her, and work with her on ways to stand up for herself and not fall into proving. DO NOT use those instances to tell her to get away from him. That will stop her from coming the next time.

One thing I tell kids (and adults) who get into this kind of situation is the more they try to prove, the more the other person is suspicious. That's something most of them get because they have experienced it. If he is accusing her of things she's not doing, the thing to say is "That's not true and I'm not going to fight with you because that just makes you believe I have a reason to fight. I don't, so you're going to have to figure out why you think you can't trust me." Over and over, always look for the way she can stand up for herself. That usually entails telling the truth and ending the conversation. One of two things can happen if she's successful. Either his behavior will change in response to her, or she'll begin to see that she'll never be trusted, and that the lack of trust comes from his personality rather than something that's wrong with her.

Your experiences with this same thing (been there done that) can work, but you don't want to be offering them when she's not asking. You wait until she really feels like she needs your help and asks. Don't jump the gun on this one, because it is an ace in the hole if she actually asks.