Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My son got a speeding ticket clocked at 110 mph. Is this a cry for help?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My son will be 18 in January. He waited for his license until recently, and after three weeks, he got a speeding ticket clocked at 110 mph. Other choices he's making are hurting himself in his senior year in high school. He maxes out his dirt bike as well. Until recently, I didn't realize he was a speed demon, and I am concerned with what that tells me and how to guide him. Is this a cry for help?

Answer:

I don't have enough information to know if it's a cry for help or not. I know it has meaning, and if I were in your shoes, I'd be doing my best to figure out what that is.

There is a certain amount of adolescence that gives itself over to feelings of immortality, as we all know, but the bottom line on 110 mph is a dead or permanently injured kid and possibly the same in innocent bystanders. My rule with all kids is this: When they're in my arena of influence, I want them physically, emotionally and psychologically safe. I'm not going to spend a lot of time arguing with them about whether they're right or wrong or justified or not justified in their actions. What I say is, "If I know you're driving 110 mph and I don't do something about it, and something happens to you, I'll never forgive myself. So I'm gonna be a mother bear on this one. I need you to show me that isn't going to happen again. You figure out a way to convince me."

I'm probably going to be less tough on the dirt bike stuff, because the chances of permanent injury are less and I'm aware that a certain number of risks are going to be taken whether I like it or not. For some kids the ticket that goes with 110 mph is enough to learn the lesson. For some it isn't. You have to decide what it takes to convince you that he's going to be safe.

There is a "global" piece to all this, also. Again, if I'm in your shoes I'm going to stand back and see if I think his behavior is within adolescent range or if it's self-destructive. I'm going to look for depression, but I'm not going to create its existence if it's not really there. Does he see himself as college bound? If so, is he getting the grades and credits to get him in somewhere? Are his goals and his behavior out of whack, in the sense that they aren't congruent with each other?

Rather than telling him what he's doing wrong, I'm going to tell him my fears and I'm going to ask him to educate me about him, with the idea that the more I know, the less I have to guess and crank up my worst fears. I wish there were an easy way to get to all this, but it's a combination of information and intuition. If he comes to you in a crisis, that's a good thing. Few adolescents will come to us all the time or even most of the time. But if they're still coming to us when the stakes are really high, we have a better idea that we can keep them safe.