Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: How do I deal with my son stealing money from other family members?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

How do I deal with my 14-year-old son who is stealing money from other family members? I took away his mobile phone as punishment, but then he stole my phone, wallet and car keys and wouldn't return them until I gave him his phone back. He is basically a good kid but has been "out of control" for a couple of months. Grounding, etc., does not work, as he just leaves. Please help!

Answer:

There's a lot I don't know here, but on the surface it appears that he does things because he can. It may be deeper than that, and I'll get to that next.

First, I reduce the possibilities: Tell the other family members to keep their things where he can't take them. That goes for your phone and car keys, etc. That's not something you can always do, but you can certainly reduce opportunity. I let him blackmail me. This may sound over the top, but if he is able to get my wallet and car keys and phone, all privileges halt. I go on strike. If he still refuses, I report my credit cards missing and get new ones, same with the car keys and phone. It costs me in the short run, but saves me big in the long run.

Then I go looking for the root of all this. How did we get to the place where he acts out by stealing from us and disrespecting our right to have possessions? What does this look like from his point of view? I'm going to try to create an environment where he can tell me what he's angry at or depressed about. If I'm frustrated in that regard I'm going to go into family therapy with him. It's likely he will resist that, but then he has a choice of working the problem out with me or going to somebody to help with that, but NOTHING happens until we start working on this. What I tell him in that regard is that I'm scared about the direction in which he's headed, and I will do whatever I have to do to understand and help him change it.

You're right about the grounding. I often wish grounding had never been thought of. It is only slightly more effective than physical punishment, which has almost no effect in the long run, other than to create more anger to deal with. When you ground someone, you effectively ground yourself also, and at some point you may have to be big enough to enforce it. But there are things a 14-year-old is dependent on that you provide. I provide only basic food and shelter until we work these things out. The really important thing here is how you present it. You can get angry and tell him what's wrong with him and create more resistance. Or you can say that to feel successful in your job you are determined to work this out, and you're going to be a mother bear until you do. And the key is don't get personal (don't degrade) and don't take what he says personally.

Usually a situation like this has some hidden sources that go back, such as a parental habit of saying one thing then giving in. Usually it helps to get your mind off punishments and onto reinforcements. If you take something away, a phone or a privilege, give him a way to earn it back in a reasonable time with reasonable requirements. And open up your ears; try to find out what he's feeling, without judgment.