Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: At what age do I allow my son to make his own curfew?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My son is 17. Whenever we give him a curfew, he always breaks it. He always has an excuse. At what age do I let him make his own curfew? He will be going to college next year and I am not sure when to let him be on his own at home. Do I let him go and come in when he feels like it? Also, we punish him when he comes in late. Because of school, he can't go out during the week. If he breaks his curfew, he cannot go out the following Saturday. When do we stop punishing him and just let him make mistakes and let him go with no consequences?

Answer:

There's a lot I don't know here about the day-to-day relationship you have with him, but the one thing I can say is, if I'm in your shoes, I want him to make his mistakes when he's home and I have a chance to help him if he takes his "freedom" too far. The one question I'm going to ask myself is "Would I rather have him make a mistake at home where I'm here to support or at school when either no one is or no one helpful is."

All things equal, I'd back off the curfew. I'd probably get an agreement with him that we look at his productivity when we do that. See if his grades go down. See if he gets into trouble. See if there's evidence of excessive drug or alcohol use. But I'd take the punishment away. It doesn't work very well anyway, and it closes down lines of communication. He's almost an adult, at least by legal standards. I'd want him to have some experience practicing that. It also gets you out of the "excuse" mode where he makes an excuse and you feel like you have to figure out why it's not true.

This is the kind of thing that makes a parent earn his or her money; it always feels risky. But in the long run it's riskier to send a kid out there with no sense of personal accountability. Remember in the end, that accountability is to self. Good luck.