Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 16-year-old son has had three episodes where alcohol or pot was involved with the same friend. How should we handle this?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 16-year-old son has had three episodes where alcohol or pot was involved with the same friend. Each time, he was caught by a parent or a policeman in a situation where alcohol or pot was discovered. Each time, he has claimed he knows nothing about it and is not guilty because he did not drink or smoke.

We have tried to talk with him about the consequences of being with friends who abuse alcohol or drugs. In the last case, he had just gotten a new car, violated our rules for using the car by having four friends in it, and we found a 30-case of beer with six unopened cans in a friend's backpack in the trunk. He told us he was going to the football game and dance with his friend. Instead he went with three male friends. We also found X-rated movies in his car. He continues to claim he didn't know anything about it. I am beginning to either suspect he is lying or incredibly stupid. My husband believes everything he has to say. How should we handle this?

Answer:

I accept one "It wasn't mine/I didn't know about it." Every one after that is geometrically less credible. If a kid is caught in more than one situation where alcohol or pot (or any other controlled substance) is involved I assume they are using it.

What I wouldn't do is get into a "Yes you did, no I didn't" argument about it. Most kids use that argument and the "You don't trust me" one that follows to avoid attending to the subject at hand. What I would do is, after the first disclaimer, say, "Fine. From now on it is your job to know what your friends are up to if they're in a position to get you in trouble. Your use of the car is contingent on your knowing and staying within the law. It doesn't matter whether I believe you or not." End of discussion.

I will let a kid figure out his/her own life when it comes to many things, even most things, but not in areas that can result in permanent heartache or death.