Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: I don't want my 14-year-old to get pregnant and get lost under the responsibility that goes with it. How can I get that through her thick head?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

I have a 14-year-old who is not allowed to date. She was told when she was 15 that she could have company over to dinner or to watch a movie. Since May of this year, she has been talking to a boy. Between the two, they've come up with so many lies and so much deceit that I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. She ran away to be with him. She was pregnant and had a miscarriage while denying any sexual activity. Just last night, I had to go and get her from his house – she was supposed to be spending the night at a friend's house.

She says I treat her like a child, that I don't listen to her. But I do listen to her. I hear what she is saying. I also know from being a teenager when she is feeding me a load of crap. I have her in counseling. She has had two visits. I cannot get her to understand that I don't want her to remain a child forever, that I don't want to choose her life for her. I just don't want her to get pregnant and get lost under the responsibility that goes with it. I want her to grow up happy and whole and not full of what-ifs. Tell me how I can get that through her thick head!

Answer:

Whoa, why not get right to the tough stuff? What ever happened to questions like, "My daughter has a sliver in her finger, what should I do?"

Let me preface this one with a couple of things. First, I don't know you and I don't know your daughter, and that's the good news because what I say will be somewhat generic, and second, because of that, you can't take anything personally.

Enough disclaimer. The one thing I can say about adolescents that runs pretty much true across the board is that they are separating from us and because of that push pretty hard. That's simply developmental. The more they feel they are controlled, the harder they try to break free. That's why so many of them mess with us in the arena of our worst fears, because that's where they can get the biggest and truest reaction.

I would go straight to the "you never listen" part. There is more than one way to listen. We often think we're listening when we hear what kids have to say and then tell them what is wrong with their perception. We ARE listening, to content. For some reason we think we can make them smarter by telling them what we have learned through experience. Good luck. The second way to listen is to hear every word and not try to fix anything. Just hear it and respond to the emotion of it. If you see they're mad, say it. "Wow, sounds like that really makes you mad," or words that fit better with your style. Or, "That must have really hurt your feelings," or "You must be really confused." In other words, make the listening part exactly that. "I hear every word you're saying and I understand what it's doing to you," or "I don't understand, so tell me." The listening part is different and apart from the solving part.

After the listening, comes "OK, what can we do about this?" and find out what kinds of solutions they have. Some of them will be ludicrous, but some will be at least something to build on. Then you give them your stand on the problem. "Look, I want you to be able to explore relationships with boyfriends and I want you to find your own way, but there are certain things as your parent that I simply can't tolerate. Maybe I'm too careful and maybe I'm wrong, but you're my child and I have to do what I think is best. So we have to come to a compromise, and the one component I have to have in that compromise is your safety." Again, you'll use the words you're comfortable with and ones she can understand. The theme is this: "I will give you as much freedom as I can, but I'm drawing absolutely solid boundaries where my tolerance ends."

I would also get to know the parents of the boyfriend, in as least auspicious a way as possible, so I know whether or not I have any help coming from the other side. I wouldn't push it, because either you do or don't have help from there, and you're not going to do much to change it. Just good to know.

I would not lecture. It's great to think you're letting your kids know how you feel or see things, but the truth is they already know, and the more you lecture the more ammunition you're giving them for rebellion.

This next part is going to get a lot of negative response, so I'll just say it and you can do with it what you please. I would make sure she's on birth control. A lot of people would tell you that putting a 14-year-old girl on birth control is nothing more than giving her permission to have sex. You can let her know your feelings about early sexual activity (which she probably already knows), and you can be sure she knows you aren't condoning it. But if you could stop her from having sex you would have already. And you are among the millions and millions of other parents who can't stop it either. You want her free from disease and free from pregnancy. You do not want her faced with the choice between early parenthood, adopting out or abortion. The stakes go way up with that.

Last, I would be totally available to the therapy sessions if the therapist wants you to come in. And the trick with that is that nothing that is said in those sessions can be held against her. And you ask for the same consideration. It has to be a safe place to tell the truth.

And last after last, do not get caught in the trap of trying to catch her in a lie. You're a parent, not a detective. Kids lie because they think they have to. I look at lying as a symptom, one that I want to decrease. I can decrease it by my responses to the times she tells the truth. I had a teenage client once who was so afraid he was going to disappoint or be held in low regard, etc. that he almost never told the truth. He would give me some amazing whoppers. Finally, after I had developed a good relationship with him, I said, "Man, I've got a problem. Sometimes I just don't believe what you're saying to me. Do you want me to tell you when those times come up, or would you rather I just went ahead and pretended I did believe you?" That statement itself cut the lying by almost half, and he would regulate himself because he wanted credibility once the relationship was safe.

Whew! Results will come slowly. Don't try any of this once and then say it didn't work. This is part of working your way through adolescence with your daughter, so you can have a rich adult life together.