Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: What can we do to get through to our 15-year-old about the importance of schoolwork?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 15-year-old son will not, under any circumstances, apply himself at school. He rarely does homework and won't study for tests. As a result, his grades are terrible. He is a bright boy, no Einstein, but certainly capable of B's.

This is our only problem with him. He's not fresh or a troublemaker. He works part time and is generally nice. What can we do to get through to him about the schoolwork? We have cajoled, punished, bribed, taken away privileges, talked to the school, and nothing works. Nothing. I am at the end of my rope. This one issue is causing most of the stress in my home. Why won't he apply himself? What can I do about it?

Answer:

I can't tell you why he won't apply himself, and probably he can't either. I'm going to stick you with a tough solution. I would tell him that his business with school is with school, and that if he chooses to blow it off, there are natural consequences for that. I would tell him that "it goes against every conscious thought that I have to stand back, but that I'm not willing to let his relationship with his family suffer because he won't do his schoolwork."

In the end, we can't make anyone do anything. When schoolwork turns into a power struggle, somebody has to stop struggling. Sometimes when the stress gets so high because of something such as this, it gets blown way out of proportion, and the family relationship suffers way more than it should.

It sounds like your son is being responsible in many ways and so knows the concept and knows how to do it. The things you've tried don't work, and it's a mistake to keep doing them just to feel like you're doing something. The truth of the matter is this is his responsibility. I would be there to support him. I would not pay the extra money for car insurance that B students and above don't have to pay and deal only in natural consequences like that.

If there is some real reason that he's not doing his work, it is more likely to come up when you're not in a fight over it. The very best graduation announcement I ever received was printed below the formal announcement. It went like this:

Dear Chris,
I bitched.
You said shut up
I shut up
He graduated

I realize this is a scary step to take, but always remember there is very little worth sacrificing your relationship with your children over.