Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: I have an 18-year-old son who is afraid of growing up and is very introverted. What can I do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

I have an 18-year-old son who is afraid of growing up and is very introverted. Background: in a gifted program; very old fashioned; does not like drinking, drugs or alcohol and loves music, especially the original Jazz. His dad and I recently got a divorce after 25 years. He came to terms with being gay. I have never gotten angry. In fact, he had moved out and I asked him to move back after nine months because we are on good terms, and he was paying the house payment. For the past 10 years he has traveled all but one to two days a week, so he isn't home very much.

My son has been to a psychologist and on medication. He doesn't feel anything is helping. I wish I knew how to help him. Our son says that he loves his parents and he's OK with the divorce, that it's just growing up. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He doesn't want to disappoint anyone. Groups make him nervous. He's very smart and very special. I am at my wit's end on what to do. He is always so down on everything. What can I do?

Answer:

That's a tough situation. A lot of times kids who are sensitive and smart and "different" in some way have a bigger mountain to climb. In the long run, he has to find his way, but I would focus on the business of his not wanting to disappoint. That is such a tough thing for all of us, and most of us stick our kids with that in some unknown way at some time when they were growing up. Many of us use disappointment to motivate without even knowing it. I would counsel him to be sure he's dealing with a psychologist who is actually helping. People often treat psychologists like doctors and believe they are getting the best treatment just because they don't know what to ask for. But a psychologist works for the client and is a professional who should be shopped around for.

Our culture does an awful thing to gay people. The recent national dialogue is embarrassing. I hope your son is angry at what he hears from the bigots and the Bible thumpers who are stuck on Leviticus. He may need that anger to propel him out of his depression, and it is a righteous anger. Members of groups who are discriminated against often have high rates of depression and confused senses of identity. I like that he always has a place to come to and no judgment put on him at home. Sometimes that's the best we can do – be there and be ready for advice when it's asked for.