Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: Am I being over protective? Should I let my 18-year-old daughter stay overnight when she visits her 23-year-old boyfriend?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 18-year-old daughter has been seeing a 23-year-old guy for one year now. She is currently in her first year at college and lives with me (single parent, father not involved in her life). She is a beautiful person and has made good choices so far. I am writing because she told me she is in love with this guy, and they hope to marry one day in the future. I've met him, but I have not really sat down with him and had a conversation with him as far as my daughter is concerned.

Well, the concern is, he lives upstate about three hours from us. She went up there to visit him (has his own apartment) one day, and then called me and told me that she was going to spend the night for it was late. I was furious at her, but it was late when she called so what could I do?

Anyway, when she came home, I told her that. I spoke to the guy, and he said he kept on telling her to get ready to leave because it was getting late, and then she finally said that she was going to stay. Well, she has gone up there now the last few weekends and slept over. I have constantly told her I don't approve of it; however, she seems to think that it's OK and that she is grown and besides he is a good person and with all that I have taught her she is not making a bad choice.

One time when he came to get her (she usually takes the train up there) and I was so upset that she was going, he told me that he loved her and would never do anything to hurt her or make her do anything she didn't want to. He saw how upset I was and even told my daughter to stay home because he didn't want to come between us. My daughter told him that I am just very protective of her. She came to talk to me, but I was so upset and she left with him.

Well, I just feel that she is rushing things and that staying overnight there is not appropriate. I feel that she is too young and should slow down. I am at my wit’s end, and every time she goes up there I am so upset. Please help me. I need some advice. Am I being over protective? Should I let her continue to go?

Answer:

I don't think you can stop her from going, and I'm not sure why you want to. Your daughter is 18 years old. It's not all that unusual for her to be seeing a 23-year-old, and this guy actually sounds like he has a pretty good head on his shoulders. You might want to ask yourself if this fight is worth it.

I'm assuming you don't want your 18-year-old daughter having sex. I don't know if she is or not, but it's not something you can control – even if you stop her from going to his house. If I were in your shoes, I would be focused on whether or not she knows how to keep herself from having a baby until she's ready and staying away from STDs.

Many unneeded rifts happen when parents decide to get into struggles over things they have no control over. Think of your relationship with your daughter in the long run. I think parents often make a mistake with their adult children by saying something along the lines of "As long as you're under my roof, you'll abide by my rules." That is often the last line before the child leaves, and even if it isn't, it's the line that leads to a lot of unneeded trouble. Listen, people have sex. The trick is to do it responsibly.

Of course if I were your therapist, we'd talk about 10 minutes about your daughter and the rest of the hour on why this bothers you so much, about feelings of letting go or things you fear may happen to her that may have happened to you. Take a breath, go find your sense of humor and get to know your daughter as an adult. That relationship lasts a long time.