Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: How do we soften our rule without feeling like we have lost control in our uneasy feelings?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

Our daughter is 15 1/2 years old (will be 16 in November). She is entering into tenth grade in September 2005. My husband and I are very concerned with how hard it is to keep up with knowing all of her friends. We originally set up the family rule of thumb as being we need to know who you are hanging out with, including the driver of the car you are riding in. This means meeting these friends at the time of them picking her up, right before they go out. Of course, we know this means not even really knowing these friends who she is hanging out with or how safe she is with the group in the car she is riding!

Unfortunately, my husband and I are becoming increasingly frustrated at the difficulty in keeping this rule in effect as it seems not all, if any, parents have a similar rule. Our daughter has expressed that she feels embarrassed that we need to do this, since "none" of her friends have to go through this. Our daughter's high school is not big (grades 9-12, each class size is approximately 170 to 200 students), so it seems like she has friends in all grade levels as she is very involved in sports and activities.

We are excited that she is involved and has become popular, but we are also very concerned about not being familiar with all of the new groups she hangs out with. How do we soften our rule without feeling like we have lost control in our uneasy feelings?

Answer:

It's never a good idea to have a rule you can't enforce, so that's a consideration to begin with. You might ask yourselves if anything is going on that makes you worry, other than just normal worry. I think you're right that you're not going to get to know those people, so you might ask yourself what the real worry is. I'd be more likely to watch signs like grades falling or complaints from school or other parents, etc. Remember, you can always discreetly contact the parents of kids she hangs out with. Coming outside to the car to meet the driver may ease your feelings, but it sure isn't going to tell you anything about the driver. I'd look more for casual parental contact. There are other ways to get the information you're looking for, and to the extent possible, it's probably a smart thing not to embarrass her. Not an easy question, but like I said, it's often a good idea to look at what's possible.