Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 15-year-old son incurred a $1,000 home phone bill. What should I do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 15-year-old son met a girl last year, and she moved away. He has been calling her so much so that I incurred a $1,000 home phone bill. He was speaking to her in the middle of the night, all night long, every night – even school nights. He has never told me anything about her. He never goes anywhere, doesn't have any calls or friends come over ever. He is disrespectful to me and his only other sibling, his older brother.

My sons lost their father four days after my mother died four years ago. He is very insecure, shy and introverted. I took him to a psychologist, and he refused to get out of the car. I love my child and worry. He is turning 16 years old this weekend, and I don't know what to do. He has walked out twice now at 2 and 3 a.m., and I called family and friends to come and find him and speak to him. Why the lies and sneaking phone calls?

Why isn't this 15- or 16-year-old's parents seeing their phone bills and hearing their daughter on the phone all night long? My son's grades are spilling. I've made a conference at school and threatened to call the girl’s parents. That's all he is worried about – me calling her parents. I don't know if I should or shouldn't. I'm afraid of what he may do or what may happen to him.

He doesn't take pride in himself anymore. I don't think drugs are involved, but am also ready to test him. I don't want to be too strict and cause him to run at 18 years or before. I love him and have tried talking, yelling and crying. I don't understand why he lies and doesn't share with me that he's speaking to a girl like I've told him after finding what little information about her that I could from others. It's normal to like girls. He's a teenage boy, but it can't consume him, and he can't talk to me like I'm crap.

Answer:

It sounds like your son's in a lot of pain. I wouldn't be surprised if those two major losses have a lot to do with what he's going through. It's common for a kid who is in that much pain to treat the people he loves like crap. That's more a scream at the universe than it is at the loved ones, but it doesn't feel any better.

You don't want to get into a power struggle with him, but you also want to get his actions under control. If the phone calls continue, set up the phone so it doesn't make long-distance calls. That might be a pain in the neck for you and his brother, but you're describing something that may require more resolve than usual on your part.

The crying and screaming and talking are a waste of your time when he's like that. When he talks to you in a disrespectful way, just say if he wants something there are ways to get it, and that you aren't going to respond to that kind of treatment. The more he sees you being healthy and standing up for yourself (also after all those losses), the better he will be able to see that it's possible to go on. If I'm in your shoes, I shut off as many avenues as I can for him to screw up, respond kindly when he is appropriate and tell him you won't respond when he treats you badly. He will spend more time in his room, but he sounds like he's having a pretty bad response to the losses he's suffered. Some kids take it harder than others.

Don't spend a lot of time wishing the girl's parents would do what they're supposed to. That's wasted time. If it comes down to it, one of the things you say to him is that you will contact them IF he can't figure out some other way to handle this. And if you say it, you have to do it. He might be angry, and he might take off at some time, but remember this: He's SCARED, and the more you are scared, the less he will be able to respect you. The contacting of the girl's parents is a last resort, but it is a resort. You don't do it as punishment; you do it to solve the problem. If he can solve it, you don't do it. I know you are worried and afraid, but behaving that way is the best way to have this turn bad. Let him see you stand up for yourself.