Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: My 17-year-old son is overboard in love with a girl who is extremely manipulative. What can I do?

By Chris Crutcher Author Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Question:

My 17-year-old son has gone way overboard in love with a girl who is extremely manipulative, and from what we have seen, does not share the same enthusiasm for him in the love category. She continues to see past boyfriends, refuses to go with him to prom – although she is attending her own with another boy she was planning to marry before dating my son. He is seemingly way more attached, and it worries me.

I know often people become very attached to each other after having sex. Are there other things that would cause such attachment? My son has had many girlfriends, and even now has the opportunity to date at least a couple of other girls who are interested in him. Plus, this obsession is way out of character for him. He usually will not put up with deception and manipulative things. I am so worried, and I do not know what to do.

Answer:

The good news is that this is unusual. If it were standard operating procedure for him, I'd be a little more worried, because it would likely be a response to some control issues. Reality is, adolescence sometimes hits us with "timing." There's not a lot you can do but let him talk, and be vigilant. If you try to talk him out if it, you will more than likely talk him IN to it, and he's already in over his head.

There's a painful lesson in this, and what you want to do is let it run its course, unless you see dangerous behavior or big-time depression start to set in. At that time, it's not a bad idea to try to hook him up with a good therapist if he's up for it, because sometimes that kind of thing needs to be talked about in anonymity. If he's miserable enough, he'll go for the idea. Don't push it, though.

Be there to talk, and get it out of your head that you can make sense to him. Your best bet is to listen, connect to the pain of it. Most kids need a witness in times like these. They don't need advice. They already know it, and if you let them work through it, they will give it to themselves.